Worthless Monkey

addictive

2012-01-10T22:13:00.001Z

I adore Paul. He is just up there with my favourite people in the whole world.

The one legged rehabilitation specialist who skateboards, motorbikes, climbs mountains, wrassles sharks…

Me: My car was valued at £35
Paul: I have skateboards worth 5 times that!

Paul: How was your Christmas?
Me: Fantastic thanks. Although I turned 27 and just felt so old, what with my neck issues, which are causing back ache. And on New Years Eve I fell over and turned my ankle so hard AND I hadn’t even had a drink yet.
Paul: Well that is because you haven’t sorted your neck out - it affects your balance.
Me: Whatevs, I just felt so old … so I went and got a tattoo.
Paul: LET ME SEE….. Nice. Do you want to see mine? *Whips trousers down*
Me: Good grief!

He has the most awesome tattoos though. Norse Gods and Godessess. I think that after getting a tattoo myself, I like them a lot more. His are amazing. Blew my little rose right out of the water.

o la la monsieur

2012-01-09T22:02:00.004Z

Secretarial cliché -

Me: I like to give you the hard ones

Him: ….. What did you just say?

Me: …. Er, I like to give you the hard ones?

Him: OH. I thought you said you like to give me the hard ons!!

Me: …

I love the crackle effect nail varnish but note to self, gold crackle on top of red polish looks like you have had a horrific accident and smashed your nails with a hammer.

8 inch cogs

2012-01-08T22:25:00.001Z

Today I went to Ruths house for her birthday. Her father-in-law, Chris, is seriously one of the funniest dudes ever.

We were sitting on the sofa and Andy, Ruths husband, was saying to his daughter: ‘there are a lot of things you don’t know about grandpa. Ask him about his time in the army.’

Dot (Andys mum): NO DO NOT ASK HIM ABOUT HIS TIME IN THE ARMY

Apparently, at the end of world war 2, Chris was the reason one of the biggest Nato air strikes was called off. Because he was missing. And was found having relations with a woman. A German woman.

Now, I am not sure how much of this is true but what is true is that when he left the army his mum had remarried and moved house. Without telling him.

Chris was telling us about his bike ride to Clapton. And his 8 inch cock.

Andy: COG. 8 inch COG.

Man I got the giggles.

I haven’t seen Ruth for ages so it was really lovely snuggling with her and catching up. She pulled me into another room for a sneaky look at my tattoo. Her mum walked in. Then her Dad walked in. And out again.

Ruth: This is not such a sneaky look.

In other news there is a spot on my chin that it would be a mockery to call a little friend. He is huge. I am 27, this shit is meant to be OVAH.

2012-01-08T03:30:00.000Z

(and never be able to remove the bush monkey tattoo)

would you?

2012-01-08T03:27:00.003Z

No, but seriously, would you rather tattoo moist bush monkey on your hand OR get a tattoo that covers your entire back but of your choosing?

still awake

2012-01-08T02:37:00.001Z

oh look, I have blogged about this problema before

to sleep perchance to dream

2012-01-08T00:36:00.002Z

12:12am.

It is legitimately bed time and yet I can’t sleep.

I can nap happily and gaily throughout the day whenever the opportunity arises. Napping is up there as one of my most favouritest favouritest activities. I even have to set myself rules - no napping after 4pm.

For the last month, sleeping at night has completely evaded me. I have been going to work exhausted and longing to curl under the desk and sleep. I crawl home. I desperately want to get into bed but falling asleep at 7pm is no good as I get disturbed ... and that way lies sleepwalking.

Sleepwalking. An activity that can lead to many hilarious stories, but I think I have enough stories now. I would like to not sleepwalk. If I fall asleep and something disturbs me I sleepwalk. And talk. This sleepwalking is generally the physical meaning of the phrase - I leave my bed / my room and wander. That sounded peaceful didn’t it? Ha. Wander. My family have many stories to tell about my wandering sleepwalking which normally involve me shouting like a mad woman and wandering the halls.

The wandering sleepwalking is rare, but mainly because I know that it is due to being disturbed massively when napping. The worst sleepwalking is when I sit up in bed and carry out whole (silent, I think) conversations with people.

I sit in bed and listen to these people rambling on, all the while thinking - jeesh, do you know how late it is?

I also imagine myself to be in other places. Like, whelp, I am at work, I hope no one notices I am naked. I will just surreptitiously cover my breasts with the bed sheet.

I work with patients so a lot of sleep-non-walking is patients coming in to my room. I am aware that something isn’t right about the situation but struggle to reason it out. Yes, self, it is perfectly normal to conduct meetings in my bed, naked. Can not see the problem so far. Make it quick, it is late and I want to go to sleep.

My mum and my sister, Sophie, randomly take the brunt of the sleepwalking. Firstly, in both cases, I think it is because they had no respect for a napping me and were in the line of fire, as it were, when I ‘woke’ up and starting screaming for graph paper. Yes. The screaming / shouting / rambling does eventually wake me up and yes. It can be embarrassing to realise you have been adamantly asking (demanding) for something, righteously, only to wake yourself up. Secondly, I lived with Sophie in a small flat. Our bedrooms were next to each other and I slept with my door open because we had a cat. Bumbling around my room ‘sorting laundry’ etc was clearly an easy to hear activity at 3am.

Of course Mum and Sophie have both been very considerate when dealing with me in this vulnerable state (hahaha are you sleepwalking? Are you asleep? Are you asleeeep? Are you asleeeeeeeeeeeeeep?) (to which the definitive answer is NO!) (SHUT UP AND GET BACK INTO BED).
I moved in with some friends a year ago. I have only a couple of times sleepwalked out of my room. Neither housemate has noticed. Once, scarily, I even shouted down the stairs in the early hours. I believe I was shouting: ‘I have got it’ although what I had is unconfirmed. I always am aware of when I have sleptwalked. The next day I embarrassedly apologised for disturbing them. They looked at me blankly. The fact that I got away with yelling down the stairs in the dead of night does not bode well for them waking up if the house is being burgled or we are on fire or the villagers come to spear the monster.

Some nights I go to bed and wake up tireder than before.

Some nights I go to bed and have whole conversations with friends and the next day I cannot look at them (so inconsiderate, do they know what time it is?).

Some nights I have a lover I tell I am a Phillips Senseo too.

Some nights I wake in a cold sweat thinking I have texted / called someone.

Coupled with the fact that I have been having trouble falling asleep and some terrible nightmares, I am just so tired. I thought this Christmas would sort it out. I was really looking forward to not feeling so tired but if anything it has just added ‘routine out of whack’ to my list of problems.

Lordy. Sleeping. I used to be so good at you.

encouragement and development

2012-01-05T23:02:00.002Z

Today is my last day off work for the Christmas period. Tomorrow I have to go back. Grim to the eXtreme. I spent my final day off with my family. Well, the majority of the day was spent going over my mothers childminding information before her Ofsted inspection. If I hear the words encouragement and development again I may scream. Luckily there was champagne and spaghetti bolognaise on hand to balance it out. And Leo love chunks.

Me: I am clearly the clever one of the family since all I seem to do is check and do other peoples homework.

Lulu: I think that makes you the stoooopid one of the family.

Today was actually also the first day since Christmas that my whole family were in a room together again drinking. Jamie lives in Tooting now, Toby is often out… Was nice. Dad attempted to take a family photo with the timer. OMG they were grim. Obviously the angle and the lighting was what made me look 20 stone and wearing beige tights instead of black leggings.

Jamie: In my freezer I have 2 Martini glasses, some Vermouth, some Gin and some ice. I have become addicted to martinis to the point that Jonty tried to put a chicken in the freezer the other day and I was well cross.

Me: Does he like a martini too? Is that why you have the spare glass?

Jamie: No, that one is in case I have a guest.

Mum: Sure, it is so that he can switch glasses between drinks to ice them up!

I told my dad that I had got a tattoo.

Dad: Why would you do something like that?

Me: Er.. I just fancied it. You can’t see it.

Dad: Yeh, so why get it?

Me: Er.. Dunno.

I still love my tattoo though and am ready for mah bleeve!

tat for tit

2012-01-04T23:27:00.006Z

So today, for me, I did something kinda big. Nothing like a bucket list or a life list or what not but up there with definitely out of my comfort zone. I got a tattoo. I never really thought I was a person who would get one and, when I did think that maybe I would like one, could never decide what I would get. Or where I would get it.

Do you have that thing where you can be wearing a necklace or bracelet and you can’t get it off and you begin to panic and whether it is an heirloom or not you have the urge to rip it from your being? I have that. So does my sister I believe. And so does my housemate, Mouse. I kinda thought having a tattoo would be similar. That I would one day WANT IT OFF ME.

But. I decided for my 27th birthday, I was going to get a tattoo. A rose, for I am Rosie.

I went to the tattoo shop my pal Alicia recommends on my actual birthday, having psyched myself up. The tattooist I wanted, Chris (who has tattooed Alicia, a tattoo that I like), was not available for a week. No problem. I picked OUT OF THE BOOK OMGSH the design I liked. A simple, open, rose head. And walked out. I was unaware of the absolute controversy and … and… thoughtsss people would have about this. You are most definitely doing it wrong.

I had -

Omg do not get a tattoo
DO NOT get a rose, what is the matter with you?
On your BREAST?
Leaves?? No.
Swirls? No
A RED ONE? No.
Why would a tattooist advertise he does roses? A 3 year old can tattoo that.

On. And on. And on.

Heather recommended the partner of her mate, who tattoos from home. He said he could also do it the same day the shop offered and would email me some designs. I have met this dude at a party, a few parties, and it never once entered my head that, oh, MAY be awkward that he would see my breast. But I liked the idea of him designing it and me choosing and amending it since it seemed a bit simple just to have walked into the shop and picked a standard rose out of the book (omg you picked one from a book and didn’t design it? DOING IT WRONG). Luckily, Alicia convinced me that I should stick with Chris because Chris? My kind of dude.

Anyway. Every night, in bed, I would think CANCEL. What am I doing? Every night.

I had a conversation recently with someone about his paranoia - not full blown paranoia but he will not blog/face book/link in. He does not like people knowing where he is. I said that I am an anxious person. That I do not turn my phone off just in case. He was like - that is paranoia! And I could not explain that, no. No it is not. I told him that whenever he calls me (he is a work colleague) I think it will be to tell me off. That if a police car drives past me they will pull me over. Sadly this is not an anxiety that makes you not eat. Well, not all of the time. I could not have put anything in my mouth this morning to save my life. Anyway, so. Last night. All nights leading up to this. The anxiety! Oh. The anxiety.

Heather was meeting me at mine at 10am today. I was pacing by 9.50 and in the end had to tell her I had to start walking to the shop and she could meet me there. I walked into the shop and met Chris, my tattooist, who is like a Hells Angel coupled with a Hairy Biker. Everything *I* think a tattooist should be. He was like, alright love, I am just gonna have a cigarette and will be right with you.

Chris is the owner of the parlour I went to. As he walked off, another tattooist out front asked where I was getting my rose.

Me: On my breast, here.
Him: *Sucks in his teeth and pulls a face*
Me:….. Did you really just do that moments before my tattoo?
Him: Better to be honest, right, than I hear you screaming that I am a lying bastard.
Me: … I… guess. I thought boobs are painless to tattoo though as they are mainly fat.
Him: People lie. I had my chest done and it hurt. And so did my butt.
Me: …..

Just then, Heather walked in. I showed her the design I had chosen.

H: Er… well.. It is a bit… big.
Me: Are you really saying this to me now?
H: Well, I thought you were thinking of adding to it if you liked it…
Me: Yeh, maybe, but remember my breasts are huge so on you a small flower would look nice, on me? A spot.
H: Yeh but…hmm. Also, why red? I think pink.
Me: NO. NO NO NO NO NO. We are NOT doing this now. I am DONE. I want a simple fucking flower not the freaking Mona Lisa and if you don’t shut up I am going to get … get (looking around for inspiration) a gigantic Jesus face on my back.

The other tattooist looked at me.

Him: What is wrong with Jesus?
Me: Lordy. Literally. Nothing. I just am not so keen on the religious tattoo.
Him: I have a cross on my arm
Me: That’s fine, I am just not so keen on faces
Him: I have a face on this arm (shows me a day of the dead face)
Me: Well. That is kinda cool. Ok. I am not keen on names really, either.
Him: I have a name on my butt
Me: HAHA! Ok. I am going to shut up now.

The moral of the story is, get whatever tattoo you want. You love it and have thought it through? That is ALLLLLL that matters.

Chris: Are you ready?
Me: Yep.

I follow him to the back, through another tattooists room and a dude getting tattooed.

Chris: So, you are going to have to.. strip then.
Me: Brilliant!
Chris: And the bra!
Me: At the risk of cliché… normally I have a drink at this point. Or a few.

So he applied the transfer of the rose I had picked and asked me to look in the mirror. I wasn’t sure. Thought it should be moved over a little. But seemingly I do not like inconveniencing people, even in this kind of situation. He looked at my face. ‘Should we move it over a bit?’ Me - YES PLEASE.

We had a chat about the design. I asked whether he liked it.
Chris: Yes. It is a cute simple rose.
Me: Because did you know how controversial this was to get? I mean, I thought once you made up your mind you were getting a tattoo and what YOU wanted, hard part out of the way.

I explained that people were all OMG A ROSE HOW LAME.

Chris: People are such snobs. Genuine tattooists and people who love tattoos are not really like that. They think get what you love.
Me: Yeh. I think it is like naming your baby. Don’t tell anyone what you are naming it because SOMEONE will have an opinion / know someone awful with that name / think of an awful nickname etc.
Chris: The only part of this rose I am not so keen on are the swirly bits. They are too.. meh.
Me: Eh, I can take em or leave em.
Chris: I just think if you are going to have a tattoo be a WOLF about it, not a DOG. So, have massive swirly bits, not … pointless little bits.

I lay on his couch. This is where anxiety kicked in again. Anticipation. I give blood as much as I can. I HATE the finger prick test you have first. I hate giving someone my finger and waiting for the click. I start pulling my finger away. The actual giving blood part I do not mind. Lying on his couch, that is how I felt. Inching towards the wall. He got a little towel and covered my other boob and the boob he was going to tattoo’s nipple. ‘To preserve your dignity.’ Me: ‘Few years too late.’ He scrunched up some tissue and put it on top of my boob (to wipe blood as he went) (serious, who would do this to themselves?) and at THAT moment I was THIS near to being all NUUUU UHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SEEEES YAAAAAA. Luckily I am also a coward so could not say it.

Chris: Are you ready?
Me: We will see, ay.

And he started.

….

…

…

Him: How you doing?
Me: …. Fine…..

We had a lovely chat. I made him laugh a few times (don’t make them laugh. That is an inky needle next to your person).

20 minutes later…

Him: Are you alright?
Me: … Yeh.
Him: Why did you say it like that?
Me: Because, I don’t want to be cocky or anything, or in case the real pain is just about to start when you colour it in BUT…

….

….

I feel NOTHING.

Him: Good.
Me: No. Serious. Like. Nothing. Like you are drawing with a biro maybe.
Him: I AM!
Me: ….
HIM: JOKE!

Side bar -

Me: So, do you like the colours of this rose then?
Him: Yeh, I do... Do you?
Me: Yes. Its just... so... I am slightly colour blind...
Him: OMG OMG OMG OMG ! SERIOUS? Oh! Oh! LOLZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
Me: So, I think it is green, red and yellow but.. it is, right?
Him: HAHAHAHHHAHAHAH. Yes, dear, it is lovely.

So. It lasted about an hour. Under I would say. Was completely painless and I loved it.

Other staff did come into the room and go about their business and at one point the guy I had the chat with in the waiting room was all: ‘coffee Chris?’ and Chris was all ‘lovely thanks!’. And he walked past into the next room.

Me: Serious. Is my boob out in your kitchen?
Chris: Don’t worry. I have covered your nipple.
Me: Great. 1% covered then!
And then we both got the giggles.

Chris: Ok, so in a couple of hours wash it with a sensitive / antibacterial wash and cover it with nappy rash cream.
Me: Should I cover it with something?
Chris: No, don't keep it covered. That would be a crying shame, they are great boobs!
Me: Thanks!

Some people could say that and I would be all, inappropriate, but Chris was telling me about his partner and how he tattoos her (in those standard flowers and butterflies and ooo a unicorn! But as long as she is happy) so it was just.... nice.

We walked out to reception where Heather and the other tattooist were.

Heather: Alright? Did it hurt?
Me: Well, I feel bad saying this in front of him (other tattooist) but… yeh. Completely painless. Didn’t know he had started.

Other tattooist: Must be because I am more of an A cup and he was… like hitting bone or .. something.

So, currently, 13 hours later, I still love it. And what they say is true. It is addictive. I am already thinking of adding to it. A boob sleeve. A bleeve. TRADEMARK!

easin in gently

2012-01-03T22:57:00.000Z

This year, our Christmas tree was the one my housemate, Mouse, had kept alive from last year. Yes, it had a few dead bare branches but he is a little survivor and it seemed mean leaving him out in the cold when his purpose was to also be Christmas tree 2011.

I packed away Christmas yesterday. Took down the Christmas cards, Christmas figures, threw out the holly… and repotted the tree back outside. When we bought our tree in I was told to do it in hourly stages so he could acclimatise to the inside. That seemed mental so we bought him, covered him in tinsel and hoped for the best. Putting him back outside I did think, hmm, this MAY send him into shock. Centrally heated house and whatnot. And then I thought nahhhh. And put him outside. Today was the most rainy day I have seen for a while.

A: Just pop down to the Co-op now.
Me: POP DOWN?! Have you looked outside?! I would need a frickin ark!

…. My tree may not make Christmas 2012.

On the upside, I tidied my garden. Me and Mouse, Mouse and I, spent a lot of time in the garden last Spring / Summer. Planted some lovely herbs, grew plants from seeds, seeded the lawn, grew and ate the most delicious tomatoes… unfortunately we live with Cat who is a hoarder. The full extent of what has been happening in our garden during these wintery, weathery months was only apparent when I decided it was definitely time to compost the tomato plants. I am pretty sure they were almost compost anyway…

We have a side passage to our garden. This is where our bins are kept. And, seemingly, Steptoes second yard.

Thing I found:

The massive plastic box of dog biscuits our elderly neighbour gave us as her dog did not like them. Funny that, what with them teaminggg with moths. She sprayed them with insect killer and passed them on to us…. And…. Cat kept them. Apparently she was too embarrassed to through them away in case the neighbour found out. I had no such problem. I then used the empty box to collect and store….
Many, many paint brushes, cans of paint (giving you some idea how big this box of moths biscuits was
At least 5 broken chairs
A bucket of wet sand and a pile of firewood
An old door
2 table tops; 1 marble, 1 plastic
An old picture in a frame with broken glass

I also found a MONSTROSITY. We used to have small green food / garden waste bins, until they were replaced with massive garden waste bins, which are much more useful. Cat has an allotment. When we had the little bin it was used for unwanted food. Mouldy food. Leftovers. Garden waste. Cat said she would take this bin to the allotment and empty it in the compost bin. This was a while ago. Enough time ago for the food in the bin to have liquefied and formed a whole new world. A world of the worst smell imaginable. A world of maggots. Rot. Mould. Once I had finished heaving, I took the bin down the mud track next to our house. Far enough away that I would not smell it on the breeze and fall down dead. I tipped that mother over and ran like the wind, heaving all the way home.

I could not look at Cat for a few hours. I had to go out for some wine.

I used to watch a programme called The Life of Grime. I would come in from the late shift at work, make dinner and that is what was on tv. Nigh on every time I would wonder why I put it on whilst eating. You wonder how these peoples lives, rooms, houses end up like that. I think it just builds. I think they store something in a place and fill it up. Get overwhelmed dealing with it so shut the room instead. It doesn’t help that they choose to go out with people who have similar hoarding habits. I am pretty sure her boyfriend encourages the hoarding. This is the difference between us. Mine encourage whoreing, hers encourages the collection of old pail handles from woods to make ‘tree ornaments.’

I am very aware that I have not written in this blog for ages. Which is a shame because I read some posts about my family and they still make me laugh remembering them. It has been a year and many things have happened. My nephew was born, possibly being the most awesome. But I need to ease back into this with the little things on my mind now. Like how I am going to manage to clear a scrap yard from my garden. Anyone for a game of scrapheap challenge?!

villerettes

2010-09-29T20:15:00.002+01:00

Wow. A whole month. Where does the time go.

Half of this month was spent in Cyprus. My friend Heather, she of the gym tyrant fame, was married in Protaris, Cyprus, on the 16 September. It was beautiful. She looked like a princess. She was married in the grounds of a hotel overlooking the ocean. I cried a little because my friend Elizabeth, and Heathers best friend and maid of honour, never cries and you could see her holding the tears back so as not to look like a big girl. Or at least just so she didn’t ruin her makeup anyway. Heather struggled slightly with her vows, giggling slightly through the tears. It was lovely.

The evening was dancing and free cocktails, again overlooking the ocean, just off the beach. Amazing. Heathers dad is a very quiet man but on the night of the wedding there was karaoke, kicked started by a spectacular rendition of Heather and Barry singing ‘Especially for you.’ Brilliant in its absolute awfulness. Her dad said: I am very quiet. I want to sing something.’ ‘Smack your bitch up’ said Heather. Three times, because he didn’t hear her, until I said ‘Heather, please stop saying smack your bitch up to your father.’ Anyway. He was like, I want to sing that Beatles song that goes, duh duh duh .. duh duh .. duh. And, as we all said, WTF? Turns out it was Baby you can drive my car. And boy did he rock it. Kiss took over on stage and then her dad sat down afterwards, quietly, again. We cheesily sang reach for the stars by S Club 7. Heather danced for hours in, I swear, foot high heels. She is a legend.

rented a villa, me, Sarah and Elizabeth (the girls I am moving in with this weekend), Corinne, Alicia, Yvonne and her 4 year old son Finn. The villa was beautiful and had its own pool. The first night we got there, at 1am, we all leapt into the pool. This set the tone for the whole holiday really. Some days we spent chilling at the villa, some we spent chilling at the beach. The evenings we walked down the strip to The Square Bar.

Heather and Barry (her now husband) have been to Cyprus a few times before and have made friends with a bartender called Costas. Costas. What can I say. The face of Cyprus. Everyone knew him. A round of 6 Sambucas, 6 Jaegar Bombs and 6 normal drinks (yeah, it got messy some nights) cost 12 euros. If Costas served you.

One night we went Ayia Napa for a joint stag and hen do. Costas got us into all the clubs free. We went to The Castle, which is apparently the best club in Ayia Napa. At one point some guy pinched one of our girls arses. A few times. Costas told him to stop and he didn’t. Costas told him again. He pushed Costas. Big. Mistake. Costas is built like a rhino and this guy was an ostrich. Cue the biggest headbutt I have ever seen. One security guy restrained the ostrich. 12 restrained Costas. None could restrain him when the ostrich broke free and hit Costas again. We all had to kiss his head better the next night.

One of my favourite days was when Corinne, Yvonne and Finn went for a nap and us four headed out to explore. We found a little beach. We snorkelled amongst the fishes for ages. Then found a little bar. We returned quite pissed 4 hours later.

Unfortunately, on day 2 of the holiday, I had an accident. The pool area was quite slippery. I am Queen of the falling and gracelessness – I can lose my balance standing still. I was all BE CAREFUL BE CARFUL. And I splat. I was holding a camera so didn’t put my hands out to cushion the fall at all and my left knee took a bashing. I was on all fours and had landed with my knees slightly splayed and O. M .G. It is the one time in my life I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance. I couldn’t breathe. It was only dignity that made me roll to a sitting position. I have now had a limp for 3 weeks and work keep hassling me to get it looked at and x-rayed. Flipping doctors/osteopaths/physiotherapists/podiatrists that they are. I kinda think that if you can walk on it it is fine. Bit worried about body pumping on it though. It was one of those moments that you just want your mum. And spookily she texted me. I almost cried.
Anyway. The holiday was great. I’ll remember more moments and write about them later. Like Finn getting on stage in The Square Bar and blasting out Kings of Leons ‘your sex is on fire’ word perfectly.

bank holiday weekend

2010-08-31T21:56:00.004+01:00

I am going to Cyprus in 5 days and I can't wait. EXHAUSTED. Although the bank holiday weekend was super fun. On Friday I went to the gym with Heather. That was not the super fun part, although I do enjoy the body pumping. Because Heather broke me. And I nearly broke myself by forgetting to lower the weight amount on my bar and bicep curling more weights than the instructor. I was like, this is unusually hard today.. wait... why do I have 4 weights on mine and everyone else only 2? I could barely lift my wine glass in the pub that evening.

Heather is a mystery shopper and, randomly, she was asked to mystery shop our local pub. You get a selection of drinks you are allowed to order and each is judged accordingly. My Pimms with the brown slice of lemon and lime scored prettyyyyy low.

Then on Saturday I went to Lakeside with her. Managed to buy 2 black dresses in the Dorothy Perkins sale. £6 each. Although it is a bit ridiculous as I am going to Cyprus where it is 37 degrees with a humidity of 79%.

We bought some wine in the supermarket to sit on her balcony with. Standing next to her in the queue. Both buying the same bottle of wine. I get served, no problem. SHE gets IDed. And SHE is older than me. I was all WHOA WHOA WHOA. WHY are you not ID-ing me???? And the server as like, er, cos you look old. Me - BRILLIANT. THANK YOU. HEATHER. WE NEED MORE WINE. What a knob.

On Sunday I body pumped AGAIN and then went to Sophies house to see baby Megs who is very very cute. Sophie showed me baby Fabes new clothes, as we found out he was a boy on Thursday. THOROUGHLY exciting. His wardrobe currently consists of a flat cap, a kermit outfit and some gold converse. Kids gonna rock.

On Monday I went into London with Ma, Pa and Lol. We went to the pub. Which was lovely. It is called the Fishmongers Arms. Actually. That could be wrong. It is the one opposite St Pauls, on the other side of the Thames, at the end of Embankment. It is lovely in there and you can sit outside and look moodily across the water.

We walked to St Pauls. It is perhaps where my gmas ashes will be scattered. The gardens are beautiful. Gma loved London and we would all like somewhere we can go to remember her. Not that she will be far from our minds.

At her funeral the minister had speeches from us all; memories about gma. It was beautiful. Although I lost it when the minister said June was a proud mother to ... A proud Grandmother to... and a proud great Grandmother to baby Danny and the bump. It really hit home then that she had gone. She was a massive presence in our family and a constant source of amusement. I remember calling her to tell her... I had a job or had got my A'level results or something. And she was all, that's lovely dear but I have another call waiting. I know that doesn't sound funny but it is, to me, because that is what she was like. Like a hummingbird flitting from one thing to the next. Mainly from people we didn't know to the *whisper* lesbians to the other people we didn't know to *whisper* the doctors husband who turned out to be gay.

When me and Sophie wrote our families memories about Gma we really laughed at all the things she used to say, all her stories. We told our aunt we had to curb what we said as we couldn't let a minister say gay and lesbian and whatnot in church. Her stories were pretty scandalous. My aunt said yes, she wanted to say that she admired her mothers ability to walk into a room and within minutes identify who was gay, who was straight and who was having an affair with whom. "Hello dear, hello dear, WELL HELLO DUCKY, hello dear..."

I got a litte emotional at St Pauls. There was a tiny moment where I wished I was the kind of person who prayed at church. My friend G told me he prays sometimes in the chapel of the hospital he works in. Then mum broke the moment by laughing when I said, look at that squirrel burying his nuts. Me - seriously. Did you just laugh? Mum - I will ALWAYS think it is funny when someone says look at that squirrel burying his nuts.

We then walked to St Brides church. It was the church of the Fleet Street printers. It was locked though so we could only walk round the outside. Then mum wanted to see the Pudding Lane memorial. It was quite impressive. I have photos. I wish I could be bothered to upload them. You could walk up it but mum has put her foot down with a firm hand and decided that indeed it IS only retarded farmers who walk up hundreds of steps (quote from the film, In Bruges). The memorial is a tall statue with a gold acorn type thing on top. I said it should be a burning cupcake. Something a bit more relevant.

We parked in the station carpark. When we got back to my car I realised the passanger door was unlocked. That car is ALWAYS unlocked. Once I left it in a pub car park with the keys in the ignition. No one joy rid it. Says a lot about my car.

Work again today and my boss had done all his work. Which meant I came in to a MOUNTAIN of notes and letters and paper on my desk. Literally, a stack of about 40 notes...

Cyprus. 35 degrees. 4 days.

June Hudson 15/08/32 - 15/08/10

2010-08-23T22:59:00.002+01:00

Despite being only 4”11, June was one of the biggest characters in our family. At family gatherings her stories, and the way that she delivered them, commanded the attention of the entire room. One of the more recent gems involved a blind man passing his driving test. Preparing this speech, we went through a number of June’s different tales and laughed our heads off. We tried to write them down to retell but they were all either too scandalous or politically incorrect to repeat to a room full of people.
June had a wicked sense of humour. She always told Mark that he was her favourite son-in-law. It took a while (a long while) for him to realise he was her only son-in-law.
When asked to give Ken a break from bossing him about she promptly picked up her cane and said she would give him a break, “right over the top of his head”. However, often when he left the room on an errand she would lean in close, lower her voice (not something she did too often) and say how lovely he was, and that he took great care of her and how well he does. As soon as he walked back in the room she would pass judgement on his task mastering. Flower arrangement? Or, as she put it, “WHAT flower arrangement?”
Everything about June was immaculate: her house, garden and appearance. She did not tolerate disorder or mess. In spite of this, she absolutely adored her dog Taffy. Indeed, it was not family photos displayed at her hospital bedside, but a lovely big portrait of Taffy, the most chaotic and energetic thing allowed to enter her house in a long time. When Ken dared to suggest that maybe Taffy might be too hard to handle she told him she would rather get rid of him than the dog.
June was extremely artistic and creative and this shone through in her beautiful garden and all of her artwork. In her last few weeks she made duvet covers, cushions, a skirt and baked a cake. This is more than most of us could ever really manage to achieve.
Except for her known hatred of thunderstorms, she always seemed fearless. We will never forget her standing in front of our 2 large dogs, both of which individually outweighed her by a good 3 stone waving a bag of sausage treats and commenting on how lovely they were as they were revving up ready to charge.
June was always interested in and proud of our achievements and what we had been up to. If we ever broke any news to her a thoughtful card in the post would follow saying how happy she was for us. It’s very strange to think of how different our family is now going to be, or to imagine family events without the powerhouse that was June holding court and making us all laugh.

team 'wtf get out the bathroom' appaz

2010-08-11T23:27:00.002+01:00

Just home from watching Twilight: Eclipse. It was good. Team Wolf or Team Cullen? Me and Lulu discussed on the way home. I say Team Cullen because when they change you into a vampire you become fabulous. Otherwise it is really just a battle as to who is hotter, Jacob or Edward. And both have their points. Although I am more drawn to hot wolf than cold vamp.

Considering me and Lulu were out all evening, I really do not see why both my brothers chose the minute we walked in the door to hog the bathroom. Espesh when I needed to pee. I don't remember, from living at home previously, either brother having an extensive face care regime. I don't even really remember them washing their faces, let alone both heading into the bathroom with hands full of products. Jeez.

Amusing moment of the night, for me, was getting my bag checked at the door of the cinema. My gym bag. After a class of legs bums and tums. There was a moment when he looked at the sports bra and couldn't decide whether to search further or stop. I think he chose the right option for all of us and waved me on in 2.5 seconds.

My stomach muscles were aching from crunching. As I said to Sophie, What did this woman think I was ? The Crunch master? But as Sophie said, I've never done a crunch in my life so after 2 I was gonna start being pissed.

I had my first complaint letter from a patient today. It was pretty annoying since it wasn't my fault that another secretary didn't get back to him. My boss wrote a letter that was basically to that effect. As I typed it from his dictaphone I wanted to go hug him. I am finally working for someone that sticks up for me. Its pretty great to know that you never have to explain yourself; that he knew that I had done my best. That's pretty major.

Also, busting a gut (poss literally, jury out until morning) means being allowed a tub of popcorn for dinner, right? Yeah. That's what I thought.

Good night.

downward dog

2010-08-10T21:59:00.003+01:00

Yoga class tonight. You cannot even believe how much it makes you sweat. At one point we all had to get into a position that required you lean both hands on the mirrors. Oh yes, my sweaty hands on a slippery surface.It did throw my calm breathing off somewhat.

I actually find yoga harder than body pump. Although today some woman on the train was super rude to me because I shut the window because I was getting rained on. I was all prepared to be rude back and all DONT MESS WITH ME BITCH I BODY PUMP!! But luckily it didnt come to that as she looked at my pumped arms (glaring face) and totally apologised. Oh yeaa I gotta get me some of thattttttt (The sit up song from body pump. Not the Evita song which is for arm pumping).

Today there was A MOUSE in our reception. In our Harley Street reception. Luckily the only patient who noticed it did not speak English so the other patients were moved to consulting rooms and it was removed. Awesome.

fists up

2010-08-09T19:40:00.002+01:00

Sophie has a Flickr account. She put some photos up recently of us lot. Some guy called Diego 'favourited' a picture of my brother. It is great fun to tease Jamie about this, although HE says Diego is not after his butt and more is a very good photographer with an eye for a good photo.

Me: I think Diego has printed that photo and laminated it
Jamie: *Half not listening* What's wrong with laminating? I love laminating things. I laminate everything at the church (where he works).

Explaining why we were all laughing was super fun.

It was Sophuses birthday. By her next birthday she will be a mumma. How odd is that. Can't wait.

I have managed to keep up body pump classes. Even though they are on Friday nights.
Mum: So, tonight... are you going to go body pump and then body hump!??!!!11!
Me: Jesus Christ mother... huh. That sounds good actually.

So I went to G's where he told me he is thinking about becoming Muslim. It made me laugh A LOT when he sat bolt upright in the morning at 10 with FUCK!
Me: O god what?!!
G: I forgot to go pray.
HAHAH. This was possibly a lot more funny at the time.

Baby Megs had her vaccinations.
Ruth: She screamed and screamed.
Me: I am glad that she screams when some stranger stabs her with a needle. Bet she was proper good at it too.
Ruth: Yeah she put her fists up too.
Me: Her mighty aunt is proper proud.

I snuggled her on Sunday and she smiled at me. First smile! Absolutely amazing.

16

2010-07-28T22:07:00.003+01:00

So anyways. I survived legs bums and tums. I ENJOYED the ache from it. Body pump on Sunday, however, almost killed me.

Legs bums and tums was quite hard because the instructor was crazy fast and I am crazy uncoordinated. Body Pump was relatively easy compared. Basically you have weights and a weight bar thing – no idea what the technical name for the bar with weights on either end is called – and you pump to the music. Haha. Sounds rude. Anyways. I quite liked this class. Until afterwards. We went for a nice swim and I couldn’t lower myself into the pool. And the next day I couldn’t do stairs. Or walk. I almost had to ride the train to the end of the line because I couldn’t get off it. I am still feeling uber thigh ache now. And I am going back on Friday. Madness.

Today I even bought some proper gym leggings. My previous gym clothes were mens joggers because they have pockets, and womens don’t, for my iPod. Now I just talk to Heather. Or, you know, listen to her yelling INCREASE THE INCLINE!!

The leggings are from M&S. I went to try them on and the queue was massive. Luckily I was wearing my patented shopping outfit – skirt, leggings, vest, slip on shoes. This outfit means that you can try pretty much any item of clothing on without queueing for a changing room. Although I admit, taking my leggings off on the shop floor today was the most audacious I have ever been.

There was quite a large lady also looking at the M&S gym range. I was buying from there because I know they have big sizes and they are ok priced. Not from any particular know how or whatnot. So she starts asking my advice. And I’m all.. uh.. dude.. I dunno. Basically I am getting a cropped pair because I did yoga the other day and tripped over the long bottoms on my joggers whilst doing downward dog. And in black because it matches my trainers. She was all, oh. Um. But what do you think of these? And she held up a grey pair. Now, Heather told me not to get grey because of the sweating issue and it showing through. So this lady was all, putting these back then! And what about these? And I was all, srsly, dude. WTF. Look at my butt. It clearly does not know much about gyms. NOT YET ANYWAY.

One of the additional benefits of the gym is that it stops you eating ‘bad’ food. My office is junk food central. Cookies here, brownies there. Now I am all DO YOU KNOW HOW LONG I HAVE TO MARCH ON AN INCLINE TO WEAR THAT OFF?? MY THIGHS DID NOT SUFFER FOR A COOKIE. You bet your ass when I break this diet it will be for something worthwhile.

This evening I made a delicious spaghetti bolognaise. Mum was all, this is delicious. I did not know you could cook. But I am pretty sure everyone knew that I can cook the shit out of a packet of mince. This spag bol had tomatoes, courgettes, aubergines, onions, mushrooms and peppers and kidney beans. It was too too healthy and yum.

I ate it whilst watching a Gok Wan programme in mum and dads room. Lulu came in and wedged herself on the bed between them. Then she said: “Gok would just dress me naked since every part of me is hot.” Haha. Then she did a big sneeze and Dad said: “Gosh. That was so big I almost fell off of the bed."

possibly last post

2010-07-21T09:00:00.001+01:00

Tonight. Legs, Bums and Tums.
Or, as Heather says TONED LEGS BUMS AND TUMS YAY!

Help. me.

splish splash i was takin a bath

2010-07-20T08:00:00.000+01:00

On Sunday I met my pal Liz for a dog walk. She said the magic words (bacon sadwich) and I was there. I was slightly worried because my parents dogs are raving lunatics and the size of ponies. Which is a bad combination. But all was well and Lilly the lab charmed the pants off of them and they were all very well behaved.

Monty is a water dog. Unfortunately he is now an elderly water dog and streams and rivers and lakes that he would joyfully bound in he struggles to get out of. This happened in the muddiest ditchiest deepest under a bridge swamp land. I had to go and rescue him. I was wearing a nice Monsoon summer dress. Filthy. And my face. And my arms. And legs. I was like a spa victim. It is just sheer luck that I did not fall in.

We went for a lovely ramble through the woods and to a gorgeous lake. Liz was like, we just have to wait for the ducklings to swim away and then we can... SPLASH. My heffalump hounds were in. The biggest belly flops you ever did see. Ducklings scattered in all directions on a tidal wave of dirty water. Lilly gracefully slipped in. Those dogs fetched sticks and swam for ages and the whole surrounding area was absolutely ruined. Chewed sticks everywhere, mud and half the lake. That is when we decided to go home. It was rough dirty fun.

When I got home, I had just enough time to shower before Ruth and baby Megs came round. Ruth said Megs was crying because the house smelt like shit and she was right. Boris likes to perfume himself with the stench of death and decay. I locked him in the garden for a bit. I can’t believe Megs is now 7 weeks old. She is too cute and tiny and snuggable. Can’t wait to meet Baby Fabe.

Then Lulu, Ma and Pa came home and we drank champagne.Because Lulu birthdays are 4 day affairs.

Then I went to work today and shared a bottle of champagne from a patient with my boss. He has been waiting for a whole week to drink it and tonight I finally allowed it to be opened. Too exciting. This morning he was raving about someone who wrote something annoying to him. He was like, why are you not annoyed about this? Why does this not totally work you up? And I was all, a lot of caring is used up on myself, innit. And that is true. I am really not bothered about people outside my sphere of family and friends. I mean seriously, have you seen the spots on my chin?

the land of the scots and heather

2010-07-19T22:41:00.003+01:00

Well. It has been a very busy few days.
On Thursday night it was birthday drinks for Lulu who was almost 18. As dad says, old enough to buy us all a pint. Which is the most important thing. There was family, pizza and beer. Although the pizza didnt stick around for long because Boris is a ninja.

On Friday Lulu was taken to Scotland. Our aunts were born in Scotland and apparently Lulu bombarded them with messages such as: I need a wee. How do you say toilet in Scottish? (To which my aunt was replying, I am going to mash you). I decided to leave work early and walk the dogs. Obviously it was the day that I forgot my door key so I had to trek to my brothers work and home again and by that point I may as well have just finished work at the regular time. I walked the dogs with G because he was all, I would love to walk a dog, and I was all...dude. That is easily arranged. He loved holding Monty.

On Saturday my friend Heather took me to the gym. I have told her that I need to lose weight for her wedding in Cyprus in September and she has made it her mission to gym buddy me. She is one scary mother though and I thought she was going to kill me. I had my induction (when I joined a previous gym I asked for an ugly woman to show me round. Obv Hevs picks the hottest man. Him – So why are you joining the gym. Me – Oh. For entirely glamorous reasons..).

After the induction Heather was like, so, what shall we do now? And I was all, sit by the pool and have a chat? So. That was the wrong answer. Ok. 10 minutes on the cross trainer. Just whilst we are here. And I prefer it if you didn’t hold on. Puff puff. Ok. Just 10 minutes on the treadmill. Oh. Piece of piss! I can walk for England. Appaz not on an incline of MOUNTAIN going at a slow jog. Just 10 minutes was the longest 10 minutes of my life. Then we went on the power plate. I was all, yay, this one is the celebrity one that you just stand on and it does the work for you. Not in Heather land. In Heather land you hold a sit up on it, and a squat, and you feel the burn like nothing before. Although I was kept amused by some guy who was just lying on it. I tell you something though. Make sure you have gone to the toilet in all departments before you get on because everything gets shaken loose. As it were. *Ahem*

Luckily my treat was then going for a swim. Which I totally heart. I love swimming. Especially in a beautiful clean empty outdoor heated pool. And then in the jacuzzi. Then the steam room. And then a guilty squeeze of all spots that were steamed loose.

After the gym, we went to the gym cafe. I joked I was going to order a bottle of red and some cheesecake – which was randomly on the menu – but after a stern look from Heather I ordered the jacket potato.

Then my pallios came over for a drink and some pasta in the evening. Living at home makes it easy to host last minute glamorous alfresco dinner parties as my mother has hundreds of cute bowels and plates and outdoor furniture and lamps and candles.

Slept like the dead. Muscles woke me up in the morning. Every single one of them.

peaceful

2010-07-16T22:51:00.001+01:00

I think that one of my least favourite things in life is bitchy women. Especially bitchy women in the workplace. He said she said I SAID WE ARE NOT 16 ANY MORE BITCHES, JEEZ.

Living at home is going well. I have started drinking coffee in the morning before work with ma and pa. Or, rather:
Mum: Mark, make Ro a coffee
Dad: WHY DON’T I GET FUCKING STARBUCKS TATTOOED ON MY FOREHEAD.

It was Lulus 18th birthday evening last night. She got quite a bit of money and there was champagne and cake. She was happy. I dropped Sophie and Matt home. Matt bought out my big furry mate Clyde to say hello. I miss that mad furry bastard.

Mum and Dad have taken her to Scotland for the weekend. I am dog sitting. I decided to leave work early and have a nice afternoon with them. Obviously today is the day I forgot my keys. Had to trek to get my brothers keys and by the time I’d got thebus back home there was really not much of the afternoon left. Met G in the park. He told me last weekend that he would love to walk a dog and I was all.. easily arranged dude. We lay flat in a field for about an hour. Peaceful.

i love steps

2010-07-11T21:40:00.002+01:00

I had a fantastic day yesterday. My friend G has decided to give up beer, fags and being a lazy uncultured bum and has decided to visit galleries around London. Yesterday he invited me to come to the National Gallery with him. I am the first to admit that I am pretty geographically clueless. I can only map parts of London in my mind once I have worked there for a while or been a few times. G tells me The National Gallery is at Embankment. We travel to Embankment.

Me - I am pretty sure no galleries are on this side of the river in this area.
Him - Eh, I dunno. Lets cross then.
Me - Ok..
*Walking along the Hungerford Bridge, we come to the map/skyline of London*
Me - Crap. The gallery is on that side.
G - O mannn. What do we do?
Me - I dunno. Carry on and walk along South Bank instead? Or go find the Gallery?
G - I don't mind.
Me - Ok, lets not be a pair of losers who can't find a famous gallery.
*We cross back over the bridge in the 30 degree heat and start heading towards The Tower of London*
G - Must be down here somewhere
Me - I just don't remember a gallery being on this side of the river in this area.
*20 minutes later*
Me - Another map over here lets just... oh mannnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn
G - So lets head back the way we came shall we?
Me - Srsly. We are a total pair of losers. I'm embarrassed.
*Back to the Hungerford Bridge but right at the top instead of left*

Have you ever turned right at the top of that bridge?? There is a whole other town up there! Market stalls and whatnot. By this point though I would have stabbed a man for a glass of water. We found a little newsagent and I downed my water. Delicious. Best water ever. And FINALLY we found signs to the gallery. Which was just where I remember it being, down from Leicester Square tube. If only I'd remembered that. Especially since me, so, Matt and Lol were there on St Georges Day.

I loved that G thought the place was so amazing. He had never been before and could not quite get his head round the fact that he was 3 foot from Van Goghs Sunflowers.
"But, like, I can TOUCH that! What is it DOING here? Is this for real? Do you know how famous this picture is?? How old? How come it is here? This must be one of the best galleries in the world."

It was great taking someone so enthusiastic although he did 'wain' "get it? I am hay WAINING! Waning! Need to get out of here" after an hour. Although so had I at that point.
He loved the Constables and Turners whilst I am more Monet and Van Gogh.
When we left, we walked past the Portrait Gallery and popped in to look at the BP portrait exhibition.
G - That's a photo!
Me - No, all are paintings.
G - But this one is a photo.
Me - Nope. Brilliant isn't it?
G - THIS one is a photo. Must be.
Me - ALL of them are paintings.
G - But THIS one ..
Me - Srsly. I will kill you.

By this point we had clearly had enough culture and needed to lie flat on some grass with a sandwich. We had a slight debate about where to get a sandwich - I voted Costa or Starbucks but he was all pooh pooh American chains so we went to a Subway style sandwich shop. In HIS face though because I ordered a vege baguette and he ordered a meatball baguette and the server was a twit so he also ended up with a vege sub. Haha.
I have been very stressed recently. There were work moments that made my hands start curling into fists, I moved and my gma is very ill. So to lie in the sun on the grass was just a moment of gorgeous. I rested my head on G's stomach and he stroked my hair and we discussed the most important issues in life - if you could live anywhere but London, where would it be? Pigeons - friend or foe? Is that mark on my shirt your dribble or dressing from my sandwich?

Then we bought an ice cream and shambled over the Hungerford Bridge (for the 3rd time). It was BOILING and I'd kinda had enough of The Hungerford Bridge but it was beautiful out so I said, instead, I LOVE STEPS I DO. Which made G laugh for up to and including 4 minutes. By this time I needed another bottle of water. Hydration is very important. So we wandered along South Bank to the end where the little beach is. For some reason there was a small group of tiny flags on it with photographers. So we sat in the sun and watched that for a bit. I had another bottle of water. As G said, gosh, you like water don't you. It was really flippin hot. Then we walked back and over the bridge and walked to St James' Park. I was kinda bursting for a wee at that point but it was really too hot to look for a toilet.
We spreadeagled on the grass here, with one eye open for pelicans. Those bastards will eat anything.

Then we walked all the way round the lake and back to where we started because G wanted to know what the Horse Guard place was. Basically it was a slight tunnel thing with one poor guard standing in full dress and to attention whilst tourists hung off him for photos. As we both said, poor bastard.

Then we walked to Covent Garden.
G - Do you KNOW how to walk to Covent Garden.
Me - I know roughly where Covent Garden is and am more hinging this on that we can't miss it.

Luckily we found it; more specifically we found a pub. I went straight to the toilet. By this time I had drunk about 4 bottles of water. Deep joy. Then I washed all my makeup off because it was totally melted anyway and just covered all bare skin with sun cream. G says that there is no need for sun lotion in England but he is Italian and a twit.

So we had a nice beer in the sun and by that time it was 6pm and we both decided to head back to North London to a pub garden where we could actually sit down. It had pretty much got to the point where I had enough of standing and walking. To sit down in the pub garden finally was bliss.

Then we got some chips and walked home. Perfect end to the perfect day.

paragraphs

2010-07-07T21:22:00.001+01:00

Now that I have my own laptop, it is much easier to update this. Which I should really because lots of things are happening at the moment.

Firstly, I love my job. I am THAT bitch who really likes what she does. Which is ironic because I have no ambition and there was nothing I wanted to be when I was 'older.' Actually, that is a lie, I though I would be a physiotherapist. Until I realised how much studying had to go into it. Noooo thank you.

Secondly, my sister is pregnant. I cannot wait to meet baby Fabe.

Thirdly, my best friend had a baby and she is beautiful and I could snuggle her for hours.

However. All this is at the moment underlyed by my beautiful gma being very very unwell. Me and my sister went to visit her in the hospital and it was very emotional and I get very choked up thinking about it. But I am glad that gma looked beautifully coiffed, had a framed photo of her dog by her bedside and had kept her sense of humour. I hope she makes it home to a comfy chair, her dog at her feet, looking at her garden and talking to my gpa. I have my fingers crossed.

Did I just sum up the last year in a few paragraphs??!!

hillbilly rock

2010-07-06T21:15:00.002+01:00

I have moved back home for a bit until I move in with friends. So far it is working out ok.

Things I have heard:

STOP PISSING ON MY RHUBARB!

The box says you can leave a thin layer on overnight, or a fat layer on for 10 minutes. I am leaving a medium layer on for 5 hours because I do not follow the rules.

As well as this, my washing is done every night, my little sister makes evening cups of tea and my mum cooked a delicious lamb curry for dinner.

Mashed potatoes

2009-09-13T22:53:00.004+01:00

I have not updated for agesssss and that is because work are trying to kill me. I have a new job. I'm a medical secretary now and I love it. I love talking to the patients and learning the medical side of it. But by the time I get home I am so ready for bed.

Today I had a nap. It is Sunday and napping and Sundays go hand in hand. When I woke up I went into the kitchen and made me and Sophie a nice gin and tonic. Again. What Sundays are made for. Matt was cooking mash potatoes. Sophie was making crumble.

Me: I had a dream about mash potatoes.
Sophie: *...*
Me: Mash potatoes with sugar on top. Really weird.
Sophie: Do you think this is because I asked you where the sugar was and told you to find a mashed potato recipe for left overs tomorrow?
Me: What?
Sophie: Well.. I guess you were asleep when I asked you. You replied though.
Me: Y'all gotta stop fucking with me when I'm asleep.

Currently I am watching The Wire with Sophie and Matt, full from a lamb and mashed potato. It has been a pretty perfect Sunday really. Lulu came over today and Sophie treated us to lunch. A delicious meze meal. Then we went for a walk. I took Lulu home and mum gave us a beautiful big thyme plant and some tomatoes from her garden. She also gave us some of her scotch bonnet chillies. Which really upsets Matt. The house is sparkling clean. This might not seem perfect to some, but to me this is a good day.

fitties

2009-07-06T07:06:00.000+01:00

In a bid to get fitter, Sophie bought us a pedometer each. She is VERY competitive about doing the most steps a day. Apparently the losers have to make the winner a cup of tea each however I fail to see how this is any different from normal.

Me: 2323 steps

Matt: 3398 steps. Now that we are emailing this we are definately losers!

Sophie: 3751, ahead, as per usual.

Me: Matthew that is the quickest you have ever replied to an email. This has obviously GRIPPED you.

Sophie: Matt would reply but he’s currently running laps of the car park

soapier

2009-07-05T13:00:00.002+01:00

Sophie: Jess, just thought i’d tell you that now, whenever someone at work makes a bit of a cock up someone else will do a mental comparison and then say ‘it’s not as bad as the phone soap’. I didn’t even start it!! Phone Soap has become the barometer for when we do something stoopid.
So far nothing has actually been deemed worse than Phone Soap.

Sadie: Oh F***CK AM I LAUGHING!!!!!!!!!!!

Jess: Yeh, of COURSE YOU'D be laughing!!!

Sadie: F*cking priceless that.

soapy still

2009-07-04T12:36:00.000+01:00

Sophie: Titch – the soap has gone unmentioned today until now. My fave ever bit was when you said it had no signal.

Me: And mine! Am at Titches now. Dad is fixing her machine. He is filthy. He is telling me about the last time he fixed her machine and how he pulled so much wire out (from her reinforced bra) that he could have build a rabbit hutch.

Me: Just realised this also sending to dad. Sorry for being a snitchnose dad. He is lying in a load of moss and dirt right now for you though. I think i'll have to make him run behind my car as it has been cleaned.

Jess: How's Mark getting on? Is he ok?

Me: There is a lot of grumbling and bad language going on... You should probably brace yourself.. plus my padders is filthy.

Jess: Oh god........your padders is filthy, that has nothing to do with me or my washing machine..........

Me: Har.....
hold the phone.... might be sorted......
... or not... what i just heard "fucking stupid thing"

Jess: Oh laughing........... Poor Mark, he's amusing us all here tho............

Me: ME: Dad, Jess wants an update
Dad: I am keeping my fingers crossed

So there you go. Current action for you there.
Plus he is eating sweets.
It is flippin cold in here as the backdoor is open. My boobs are so cold. For reals. Being a plumbers mate ain't glamorous that is for sure.

Jess: There's a lovely hoodie hanging in the hall dude, keep you warm, he found sweets? oh yeh sucky ones, he is a trooper....
so are you................

Me: Update, live - Dad: We're really getting there now Ro!! . . . I think.

Sadie: Laughing at Mark not allowed in the newly cleaned car. What did you clean it with? A bar of mobile, or the more traditional bar of soa?

Jess: OH HA HA HA HA HA!!! and what pray tell is a SOA? Sadie.on.acid?

Sophie: Yep Jess, try and shift who we are laughing at here…. I would too.

Sadie :F*******king LAUGHED so so much at that!

Me: I tried using my mobile but it really wasn't shifting the dirt

Jess: Oh for the love of god......... m*therf*cker, i'm advising you to shut your c*ckholster before i tie you're whor*ass into a pretzel.

Sadie: Madam!

Me: I think we're pretty safe. I mean, Jessica could threaten to shoot me or whatever but she'd probably be picking up a banana and not a gun

Sadie: FUNNY FUNNY!

Sophie: HA
HAHHAHAHAHHAHAH

Jess: bollo**s.

soap as phone? fail

2009-06-15T22:35:00.000+01:00

Jess: I PICKED UP A BAR OF NOVELTY SOAP OFF MY BED INSTEAD OF MY PHONE!!!! ... got no signal.

Rosie: HAHA

Sophie: Really laughed and read it aloud to people and they laughed too.

Jess: *BLUSH* Jessica the tard!

Sophie: I’m never going to forget this

Jess: Repeat...... Jessica the tard.

Me: I keep laughing everytime I read 'I got no signal' . . . did you get into a right old lather?

Jess: OH hahahahahahahah

Sadie: The question is, was the novelty soap in the shape of a mobile? If so that (still makes you tard) is totally understandable.

Jess: DUDE! It IS the same shape and size of my mobile, BUT, there, the similarity ends...the soap is multicolored greens and blue tropic island colours.....
JESSICA IS SO A TARD!
...and DUDE, rude message.

Sophie: Tropic island colours… hHAHAHAHAHAH ahahahaha AHAH

Jess: *SNRFF*

Dad: Got my hands dirty over the park today. Tried to wash them with mobile phone and water, silly me

Me: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Jess: OH MY GODDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!
OH.MY.GODDDDDDDDDD!!!!! SOPHIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE YOU TOLD MARRRKKKKKK. LOOK. It could happen to ANYONE!

Sophie: Just off to the park now myself. I’m taking my bar of soap with me. Ohhhh no… I mean phone.

Jess: Look. It could happen to anyone... I'm gonna be hearing about this alot aren't I.

Me: I've never grabbed a novelty soap instead of my phone...

Jess: F**K off the lot of youuuuuuu. (Jessica is too sensitive for this world.) You lot are wan**rs. Big hairy to**ers.

Dad: Just had a shower to cool off, strange my bar of soap started to ring going to use my old brand in future

Jess: This isn't getting old is it.

Me: Have you ever used an iSoap? Really stings.

Jess: Oh Goddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

Sophie: Good one! I have to snigger quietly because I can’t be bothered to tell people I’m still laughing at the soap.

Jess: I can SEE these emails you know…..The soap looks (exactly) nothing like a phone.

rules are rules

2009-06-05T07:11:00.000+01:00

In our house there is a rule. If Sophie and Matt go out for the evening I am allowed either one man OR six midgets.

Sophie: Im going out to tea with twins this eve and matt is going to see his pa.

Me: but id prepared . . . ha ha

Sophie: Prepared an amuse bouche, followed by oysters and champagne, followed by steak and chips followed by a triple chocolate mousse followed by a cheese board served from the naked chests of 7 midgets?

Me: yeah that was what i was going to do. except then i realised it wouldnt work as i am only allowed 6 midgets.

Sophie: Matt, is rosie allowed a 7th midget?

Me: I'd love it as much as the other 6!

Matt: i'm going to have to be a stickler for the rules and say only six midgets are allowed

just say the word

2009-06-04T07:42:00.000+01:00

I am not sure if I have mentioned it on here (and I cannot be bothered to go back and check) but there is a crazy house next to ours and a nutter who is forever calling his mate Alan from our driveway. You see, the back garden of the crazy house is down our driveway and so Alan's mate walks down it and leans over their fence and calls for Alan.
Here is an example of what used to wake me up at oh fuck o clock every weekend.

ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNN ALANNNNNNNN....... lend me some money Alannnnnnnnnnn!!! Carollll Carolll where's Alan? He doesn't want to talk to me? Lend me a pound Carol! Carol! Alannnnn I'm down on a tenner Alan!!!

Anyway. Sophie and Matt did not believe me until they witnessed it firsthand. Sophie was all DO YOU KNOW HOW ANNOYING THAT IS? And I was all *blink blink*

Me: Someone might need to provide me with an alibi in a minute.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
Maybe you should go out and tell him you'e Alan. That'll confuse the crazy. Though I suspect most things confuse a crazy.

Me: No, you see. It is a Catch 22 situation (i read the book and from what I can understand, a crazy screaming outside the house definitely counts) as in. If I go give him a pound yelling OMG JESUS CHRIST HERE YOU GO TAKE IT TAKE IT FOR THE LOVE OF GODDD AND ALL THAT IS HOLY. But then he would be back and hassling me and the thought of his little bald head peering in my window whilst I am trying to sleep is just too too much
And then I might feel a little bad letting loose on a crazy because.. you know. He's crazy.

Sadie: They deserve it. Just cos they're crazy, doesnt mean they are good peeps.

Me: Yeah but if they are bad peeps it is because there is a duck siting on their shoulder whispering stuff about melon balls and whatnot

Sadie: Laughing!

Sophie: Tell him to k no b off! If I was there I would!
I swear!

Sadie: SOPHIE!

Sophie: Yeah, we had this discussion. If we give him a pound then he’ll move on from Alan to us. I thought we could throw coppers really hard out the window at his big bald head so he doesn’t know where they are coming from. But I think he might just come back praying to the sky.

Sadie: LAUGHING!
So, really what we're all saying is that shooting then burying in cement to cover up the crime is your only option.

Sophie: Honestly, I had to restrain myself (ok, matt had to restrain me) when I was cooking dinner listening to it. I was about to go out with my knife aloft! I wouldn’t have stabbed him, just used it to emphasise a point.

Sadie: I felt like that at 1am when crazy neighbours were bickering.

Sophie: Oh mate, I think I would probably write them a letter saying please argue-whisper between 9pm-7am as it’s very inconsiderate.

Sadie: Or I could just shoot and cement 'em.

Me: yeah. but is it worth the effort? I mean. where are we gonna get cement from?

Sadie: I had not considered that.

Me: we'll do a deal. u scratch our backs, we'll scratch yours. and by scratch i mean kill. and by back i mean neighbours

Sadie: LAUGHING!!!!!!!
I am more than prepared to scratch your backs. honestly, MORE THAN PREPARED.

british

2009-06-03T16:01:00.002+01:00

Sadie: Just working out how to put my auuuto spell check back on

Sophie: Mine won’t switch off yank!!! The setting is English UK but it’s still misspelling English words.
Do they not understand Brittania rules the world?!!!!!

Jess: Oh God, thats appalling. But laughing at BRTW!

Me:dont ask me. i tell you. being out of work, you lose all sense of routine and time and capability. srsly. im like. shall i even bother to brush my teeth?? but i do because. you know. gross. not that far gone.

had a LOVELY day yesterday though. walked down to palmers green as i needed to go to the post office and renew my tax disc. i could have driven as i was only a few hours untaxed and on the way to pick up a new disc but i really really dont need a criminal record at the moment.

anyway. i walked and yea verily was it hot. i had nickleback on the ipod though so happily bopped along. i started on one side of the high street in that little clothes shop by the station. there was a beautiful maxi type hippy dress in there but it was £30. so i wandered to the bank and paid in a cheque and sweated a lot because it was approx 75 thousand degrees in there. then some little kid said something to me and i forgot i had rock music blaring and i thought i said what but in fact i said WHATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT.

then i wandered along the charity shops. i bought a couple of books in each one. well done charity shops! then i crossed over and went to the post office where, again, they tried to boil me alive and i queued up and q-ed and q-ed and then i was like, huh, maybe i should have checked that they did tax discs in here before i started q-ing. but i was feeling all zen and all, well, i have nothing better to do. but luckily they did do tax discs in there AND i had all the correct documents. high five me.

then i wandered into the picture shop and bought a little card to send to gma and pa and a union jack pen to write it with. then i carried on in the charity shops and then i needed a sandwich from greggs because i hadnt eaten yet. obviously i got stuck behind a mental who was debating bread with the sullen teenage boy serving who had no idea what bread she brought last time (and he didn't care, either) and i was all I JUST WANT MY PLOUGHMANS SANDWICH OMG (i wanted the tuna actually but i eat a lot of tuna at home and i dont want to give myself mercury poisoning).

Then i went into b wise. but i came straight out again. then i went into ethel austin where i bought a beautiful sundress which was £10 - much better priced for me! PLUS i also purchased 2 of their lavender body scrubs which were meant to be £1.50 but my total was only ten so either i stole the body scrubs or my dress was only 7. either way. bargainous.

then i went to morrisons to buy some eggs for matt. then i came out and by seconds missed my bus. by this point my bad was so freakin heavy and i almost fainted from dehydration but i didnt want to risk leaving the bus stop and another elusive 121.

anyway. then i got home and so did matt and sophie and matt cooked chicken kievs and omg YUMMEY.

Jess: oh dude that was VERY entertaining...

Sadie: Wasn't it! Laughed loud at the PO trying to boil you! Good on the dress for £7!!!!! I am off out now before the highest temps hit to see what the clothes shops in Leadenhall have.

Me:i came home and drank about 2 pints of water and lay very still. my whole outing only cost 15. unless you include a tax disc which was 66. and if that car breaks down before the disc is run out i will shake my fist

Sadie:Shake your fist and say grrrrrr no doubt.

Me: And needless to say i will be writing to complain

Security breach

2009-06-02T11:23:00.002+01:00

Dear Spammers and Chancers,

If you are going to send me email alerts about security problems with my bank account and could you have my details please, at least try and send me an email about a bank I actually have an account with.

Who is falling for this shit anymore?

Now, excuse me, I've got to give my friend Mr Okiwana Mombasando my account details so he can transfer 12 million to me as his family (The Royal Family of Nicaragua) are trying to kill him and he wants to start a new life in the U.K.

confirming

2009-06-01T17:22:00.000+01:00

Sorry, are we talking about peanuts or penises?

liberated

2009-05-06T10:56:00.002+01:00

Sophie: Did anyone other than Ro and I watch 'Crimewatch'?
They caught these old dudes printing almost perfect replica bank notes. They ranged in age from 60 – 80 . I was really gutted that they got caught.
Murder, rape and pillagery doesn’t get 10 months surveillance work. 5 old boys trying to con the government and make a fortune did though.

Sadie: Laughing! I hope I'm that active and inventive when I'm 80!

Sophie: Let’s face it…. You aren’t now. What’s gonna change?

Sadie: Cruel. And untrue. I'm very inventive when it comes to work avoidance, morning avoidance and generally any effort avoidance

Me: We were also watching 'The One Show' last night. It was about what has liberated women. Answer? The washing machine.
"Me: Well. That's pushing it a little. Not equality then?"
Anyways, Apparently in ye olden days, women got up at 4 to do their washing because they had to hang it up by midday otherwise other women on the block thought they were lazy.
Sophie: " WHAT. I'd be all LADIES LADIESSSSSSSSSS"

Sadie: LAUGHING! I'd be hanging mine up at midnight then when the other ladies were all getting up at 4 I'd mention some of us had got up at 2 in the morning to do our washing.

Sophie: I don’t understand why they had no common sense between them. I’d have just been like ‘let’s not be hating on each other. Let’s all have a lie in and sort this out together at a reasonable time’
They were all good mates with the neighbours in thems days.
... I think this has affected me deeply.

Jess: LAUGHING!!!
So! I've discovered I was missing a bra wire...so I've realised it's that wots caught in my machine...so...I've borrowed ally's ratchet spanner set as I don't have any spanners/ratchets and tonight I am going to attempt to take the back off my washer and see if I can find the wire.....this will be monumental proof of how it sucks big time to be fu**ing liberated....

Sadie: Ah! The old bra wire in the machine trick. Happened to me in Swindon, but it didn't break the machine so I just ignored it. Also it wasnt my machine, so I couldnt have given a flying f*ck.
Yup, it sucks to be liberated.

Sophie: At least it will be less hexpensive though. I accidentally put a platinum silver and pink diamond cubic zirconia pendant in ours the other day and it has been irrevocably damaged.

Jess: I haven't done it yet.....dad says I won't be able to get to it from the back.*sigh* I can feel a major FAIL coming on...meanwhile Ally has washed all my tops for me...undies and sock shi* to do by hand tonight... *wow*

Sophie: Well. This absolute nutttttt case just called me.

Me: HAHA! Oh dearrrrrrrrr. God. Me and the crazies here are having a music competition. Who can play theirs loudest. Blatantly I am going to win since they only appear to have elvis in their collection.
Just cleaned the bathroom. Stood in the bath to clean the shower. Somehow turned shower on. Am soaked.

Sophie: Hey dude, I brought you a new mascara as a cleaning present. Good times.

Jess: AW that's nice.

Sophie: She earnt it…
Tee hee
Our house was MINGING
M I N G I N G
Apart from my cleaning lots of mould from bathroom blind, front door and hallway skirting boards. All those areas were sparkling.
And an outside cupboard. Just one mind. Where we store the alcohol. I displaced a good few spiders.
The other one is Matt’s cupboard of Potential Death and Hell. Ro and I keep the hoover and mop there and the rest is matt’s OCD collection of electrical goods boxes. In case some day we may need the cardboard box the cd player came in.

Me: I cleaned the lounge, including skirting boards and picture rails.
Mould : Behind wall hanging and in corner of room.
Spiders : 3

I cleaned the kitchen, including cleaning out all the cupboards, on TOP of the cupboards, and the fridge
Mould : Loads but mainly behind fridge and pulling that out was above and beyond.
Spiders : 2

Hallway : Skirting rail
Mould : None cos SOphie did it.
Spiders : 1

My Bedroom : Including all under the bed and behind cupboards
Mould : Back of cupboard
Spiders :1
Dead Birds : 0
Rat : 0

Bathroom :

.. Im bored of this. But the point is. There are spiders everywhere, which i leave, YOU'RE WELCOME JESUS and mould. And I have finally finished and do not have any more cleaning to do which is a relief because seriously, 4 days worth is a lot.

Also, spookily, I opened Matt's outside cupboard and his Wii box fell on me and the kitty litter and whatnot and I was all.. shall I?? And then 7 spiders fell off the mop and I quickly locked the door and RAN AWAY

Sadie: Laughing LAUGHING!
Dude, thats a lot of hard work, and a lot of spiders. And mould, a lot of mould. But at least you scored nil on the whole dead bird/rat/hedgehog/rattlesnake/chicken/fox area.
Ange keeps her cardboard boxes too - mostly on the lounge floor. I found one in her cupboard for her 8 year old iron. Wjen I asked her why, she wouldnt look me in the eye, just shuffled her feet and mumbled something about if she ever had to move.....something to pack it in...........protect it from things........
Silliness.

Me: OMG. That is pretty bad. I do NOT have the hoarder gene and am capable of chucking things willy nilly. it is something dad frowns on greatly because omg what if you just NEED a cable that was for your 1980s walkman or whatnot.

Sophie: For some peculiar reason my email deletes sadie’s messages. Or they are going in to a black hole. Because I see them , then they go. Velly strange.
That box keeping thing is so crazy. 8 yr old iron box tops the biccie though!

Sadie: Have you 'ruled' mine to spam? Cos, you know man, thats a bit rude.

you can wash the outside...

2009-05-05T10:39:00.000+01:00

I came home from a nice evening out to find Matt leaning out my bedroom window. I was all, gosh. What is HE doing. That is nowhere NEAR the underwear drawer. But then I came in the front door and found Sophie hiding in the kitchen because apparently there was a RAT trapped in my bedroom.
David and Matt got to do a bit of manly bonding and worked together to get the rat out. Of COURSE my fluffy dressing gown had to be used.
This was a traumatic experience for mainly the rat and Sophie though as I didn't see the rat once and by the time I'd made a cup of tea, it had gone.

THEN my friend Ruth came over for dinner. Matt went to bed. Me and Ruth and Sophie stayed up drinking and, at 1am, I made my merry way to my room.
Me: Clyde!
Me: Clyde.. You've MALTED everywhere. You've malted black FEATHERS everywhere.... oh noooooes.
Me: MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

Matt removed the dead bird buried in my bed but I did not sleep comfortably that night. The next day started a whole week cleaning of the house including skirting boards, picture rails and cleaning windows.

We fondly remember the days it was just worms he bought in. And I do not even want to HEAR that those animals were gifts.

I'm down on a 20 Alannnnnn

2009-05-04T11:36:00.000+01:00

Sadie: They've been filming Spooks outside the office this morning. Only Ros has been seen though. I'm hoping that tomorrow - I'm in the office from 7.30am - Richard Armitage will be popping along. Then quite frankly it will be a case of f*ck the testing, I'm off out to drool!

Jess: Awesome!!!!!

Sadie: And of course if I do get to meet him, lets just say I'm quitely confident of a June wedding.

Sophie: Hello hello, I think that would definitely be the case. Can I attend? Went to BX last night and spent £80 at the Mac make up counter. The woman was really non-invasive and nice. I think that was her secret skill. Ro is in her interview now. I just called Matt up and said I’m nervous. Sadie, 7.30! Work! Saturday! BWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. I would not cope well with that. Would not cope well at all. Lots of keenos here come in at the weekends (through choice) including Matt.

Jess: Ro coming here after interview- quick lunch in the churchyard- will see how she got on-
I'm working tomorrow, been covering allys sickness so been on half 5 wake ups for nearly 2 weeks- so tired- no lie in tomorrow- no lie in Sunday- work absolutely horrendous here- every fu**ing person must be ill in the fu**ing UK.
Tired, pissy, fed-up----------- fu*8ing fax machine/emails are relentless-----non stopping............ JESUS FU**ING CHRIST IF THIS FU**ING GODDAM FU**ING FAX MACHINE DOESN'T STOP FUCKING SHI* FU**ING SPEWING OUT STUFF OUT SOON MAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadie: God, you poor f*ck.
Laughing at the rant though.
I am geting the 6.52 tom from Enfield Taaan by the way.

Jess: Oh dude I get the 7.23 but if i can drag my arse up I'll go for that one too!!! I'm sure I can manage it.

Sadie: No, dont get up half an hour before you have to dude!!!!! I have to be up at 5.50 and thats bad enough.

Jess: Be nice to see you tho, so i'll try.......you know wot i'm like...i'll wake up anyway.......just keep your phone handy........no probs........

I’m sorry. Ro is ok and all but I would not wake up that early to see her.

Sophie: She called me by the way. Said it went well but I’m sure she’ll tell you ALLLLLLLLL about it. Hmm just looked up and seen that she was included in this email.
I called her yesterday and she was asleep. She said “yes, yes that is fine.” Me: are you asleep?

Ro:No

Me: what did you want me to buy you again?

Ro: what?

Me: what did you… are you sure you aren’t sleep talking right now?

Ro: NO I AM AWAKE … tell the lady rufflerufflemoon

Me: ok…

*20 mins later my phone rings*

Ro: Hi, did you call me earlier?

Me: eh…

Ro: what were you saying again?

Jess: Oh dudeeeeeeeeeeeee last bit so funnyyyyyyyyyy

Sophie: For months on end Rosie has said there is someone shouting “ALAN” outside her window. Frankly, I was not a believer. I thought I would be able to hear someone shouting outside the flat. This has gone on for ages. Every few days she gets up and asks if we heard the person calling for Alan.

This being Ro, I just labeled it under ‘crazy sleep’.

Matt has stood outside the house before shouting Alan outside her window.

So, matt and I came home a couple of days ago and there was a bald man dressed all in black loitering around outside.

He was getting agitated and started calling out into the crazy garden. As we get into the house we hear him shouting

“ALAN, ALAN GIVE ME SOME MONEY ALAN”

Ro *in the lounge*: can you hear that man calling for Alan again?

Matt and I: dumdedum Nope.

I think this is how people get committed.

Sadie: Laughing! Thats so MEAN!!!!!!

unbelievable

2009-03-27T07:20:00.000Z

Me: Guess what happened in Asda last night!!!! The checkout lady thought I was Sophie's MOTHER!!!!! Not happy. At all. And she's now dead. I had to mash her for that one.

Sadie: i'M LAUGHING SO HARD THAT I cant type properly! Seriously dude, the woman must be a bit simple though!

Jess: OH DUDE....that is SO not funny!!!!!!!!! Why then, am I peeing myself?

Sophie: Checkout lady scanning wine: eh, you aren’t paying though? your… mum is? Me: haha, yes, I am paying. That’s my little sister.

Jess: FUNNY!!!!

Me: UN BE LIEV ABLE.
It was.
UNBELIEVABLE

Jess: Laughing!!!! Funny dude!!!

Sadie: Still laughing.

Jess: Me too

Sophie: Then I got out my driving licence which was PINK woo hoo!!! Then I wound Rosie up all evening. I couldn’t possibly put the shopping away, I’ll leave mum and dad to it etc

Me: Luckily I am a firm believer in beating ones kids.

alternatives

2009-03-26T07:44:00.000Z

Me: My tomatoes are delicious.

Jess: EH? I had sushi for lunch.

Me: I had a chicken bagel and some veges Sophie cut up. I pretended they were cake. Mmm mmm mmm mmm MMM.

Jess: Hmm mmm m mmmmm mmmmmmmmmmm yummy...... Cake is bad. Veggies are good...I feel I should be finishing that sentence off with a gangster rap lyric thingy.... something in da hood!

Me: Cake is bad
Veggies are good
Don't hit the spot like cake could
Tho

Jess: Well up to the 'tho' I was wondering if I was emailing notorius B.I.G.

Me: You are emailing notorious B.I.G... is why I am eating veggies innit.

Jess: Ffddd!

Sophie: That is well gangsta… trippin

Me: I know. Think I have found an alternative career. GANGSTA aiiiiiight

romancinnnnn

2009-03-25T07:50:00.000Z

Backstory: David is back in the dating game. Him trying out some chat up lines:

Get in the van
Don't scream
Should I bother flirting or shall I just get out the Rohypnol now?

etc. They amused me A LOT but I'm sick.

David: Afternoon Bounciepoo

Me: Keep calling me that and I will mash you

David: I'd just enjoy that..

Me: Pervert

David: Shut up and get in the van

Me: You WISH you had a van

David: I don't NEED a van

Me: I really don't think throwing someone over the back of your bike is going to work....

David: I got a potato sack and a bloody big shopping basket. Shut up and get on the bike

Me: Dude. I really don't want to see you on CrimeWatch tomorrow - man on pushbike tries to kidnap woman...

David: True.. just invite me over then. Less paperwork.

Me: ROMANTIC

Jess: I have so laughed at David!!!! David who IS David, I love him already!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I call him Dave. Suits him more. He hates it. He says it makes him sound like an idiot. I'm all *.....*

Jess: So is he Dave? or Roderick? I laughed out loud again and showed Ally your Dave conversation!!!

Me: Was really making me laugh too. Which is unfortunate in a public place... laughing at rape... ho hum.

Jess: Dave's come from Dagenham.........it's a given........me and Ally know this for fact...Dave is Dagenham Dave, a bit like comedy Deeve is from oop north.

Me: "All Daves are from Dagenham. FACT."
HAHA. He is Enfield Tahnnnnnnnn mate.
Also, he is really into Arnold Swartzenegger (whatever spellchecker). Like, really. Amusingly really. We went to Forbidden Planet on Friday (OH DEARSSS) and he casuallyyyyy leant on the counter and was all, er... mate... do you have any... er... TERMINATOR stuff? And the guy was all, dude, no. And Dave was all, lets leave now. But he said it to empty air because I was disassociating.

Jess: SRSLY.... I'm pissing myself!!!

Me: He is also amusingly ... slow? literal? Like, we were in Spitalfields and he picked up Jeff Buckleys album and I said, oh, does it have Alexandra Burke singing Hallelujah on it? And he was all ER NO DUH I DON'T THINK SO. And I'm all, shut up Dave

Jess: How did you meet Dave from Dagenham?

Me: Dave is more Matt's mate I think... well. We used to all work in the library together and his evening was with Matt (mine was with Fiontan) and if you weren't paired with someone on an evening you didn't really see them as most non-casual staff did Saturdays elsewhere.
ANYWAY. I used to chat to him a bit though. He fancied Sophie. He cracked Matt up.
I think he used to text Matt a bit but they never met up. Then I was online one day and David started chatting to me. Then I think he texted Matt and was all, I've broken up with my gf lets all go out drinking. And I chatted to him online more. We went out drinking.. and he's become a mate.
I was like, MATT. DAVE IS REALLY AMUSING. And Matt was all DUH! Don't you remember me telling you he read books on tanks at the counter?? And I was all NOW I UNDERSTAND. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH.

Jess: SRSLY...I LOVE HIM and I don't know him.....

Me: Some people are so amusing. He walks like Terminator too. As in, straight across a road. I'm all *cover eyes.*
And when we got off at my station (he came back to mine for a cuppa) and he marched off. I was all WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU'VE NEVER BEEN TO MINE BEFORE. COME BACK. Like, he was HERDING ME the wrong way.
Then, we sat in the lounge drinking tea. And he was all, what a nice view. I'm really digging this room. Loving the pictures, the sofas are cool, all those c.d's are amazing.. BUT. What SKIP did you drag that tv out of??

OH AND. TALKINGGGG OF HERDING:
When me Sophie and Sadie went to Brent Cross, Sophie and Sadie kept wandering in the wrong direction. Sophie had a go at me because she was all GOD IT IS LIKE A ROUTE MARCH just because I was like LEFT. But if I hadn't of said it, those 2 have ended up in Early Learning.
ANYWAY. We were on the A10 shopping thing and whilst Matt was in JJB's we headed to Homebase. A straight line of shops. Homebase big and green at the end.... so why Sophie and Lulu headed into Comet I DON'T KNOW.
And Lulu was all, gosh, we would have worked it out eventually.
And I'm all EVENTUALLY??? Why do you need time to work out that this shop is BLATANTLY not HOMEBASE???

Jess: SNIGGER!!! man I'm srsly loving this dude!!
And, Dude I'm so with you on the wandering malarkey, Sadie does it ALL the time.... but she lives in her own little world, like Sophie, so we're used to it!!! Funny tho...... Sophie, Lulu and Sadie are a disaster waiting to happen......oh no, hang on too fu**ing late!!!
Am still laughing out loud at Dave leaning on the counter and going, mate, have you any terminator stuff.. classic!!!

Me: If Sophie starts driving. And we go somewhere. And she drives. I'm going to be scared to fall asleep incase we end up in Scotland.
How's Ally's driving??!! Booked any road trips???
Him leaning on the counter and trying to be nonchalant about it all .. HAHAHAHAHA.

Jess: She hasn't actually driven yet but that is because her car has been out of action.... hey dude she's drving us to Grandmas on April 26th! But she's gonna have to drink to put up with mad June and ken, and of course you, and mark, and lulu, and Lucy... Also, Ro, I can't get past the counter thing...I'm still enjoying and laughing...just shared with Ally.

Me: HAHA! I hid behind some Twilight merchandise.
She's going to drive down? Ar that's wicked! Good to see her! Why is her car out of action? Did she run someone over? She really shouldn't. That dents up cars more than you'd think.
I'm loving my gma and pa so no rudeness about them! Fingers crossed that I have a job by then.

Jess: FUNNY!!! Her car is just not recognising the key entry code.... what thef**kever! She wants to run someone over badly tho....(secretly, she says, that's why she hasn't got in the car yet).

Me: Key entry code? Goodness. Fancy. When my car won't let me in (e.g. I've locked the keys inside) I just pull down the corner of the door.
Running people over is tempting but damaging to a small vehicle like mine. Also, I don't want to drive around with a gaffer taped up bonnet again.

Jess: Oh man funny!!!

bzzzzzzz

2009-03-24T07:38:00.000Z

I washed my car on Sunday. I flung a bucket of water over it and a lot went over my head. BUT. That is not the point! Eyes on the story! I said to mum, whilst I was living at home: "Mum. My car smells like an ash tray. What's the dealio with that?"
And SHE said: "Don't be silly"
Anyways. I found 3! 3 - count em - cigarette butts under the seats.
WHAT THE JIGGINS!!!!

ALSO. I believe their are BEES in the fan in my room. BEES!!!!

ALSO. There is a man from the crazeeee house who wakes me up at the weekend yelling for Alan.
ALANNNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNNNNNNN ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNN . . . .
ALANNNN ALANNNNNNNNNNNNNNN
Lend us some money ALANNNNNNNNNNNN (no)
Sophie says I am sleepwalking but I'm not. Goddammit Alan answer him.

spring shambles

2009-03-23T07:27:00.000Z

Friday:

My mate David asked me if I wanted to go to Spitalfields with him. I was all.. yeah. Guess so. Had a lovely day wandering in the sunshine. The only thing I have against David.. actually, against is the wrong word, especially since it is kinda amusing.. is that he takes some things really literally... We were looking at all the CD's available and he picked up a Jeff Buckley one. I was all, do you reckon it'll have Alexandra singing Hallelujah on it? (Blatantly I am aware Jeff died years ago and Alex won X Factor and realised her version about a month ago). And David is all, yeah righttttt I don't thinkkkkkk sooooo. *looks at me like I'm an idiot* As I said: Dave, swear to God, it is lucky you are cute.

Saturday:

Such beautiful weather lately that we went for a walk to soak up as much sun as we could. Went to our local park. Back fields empty of people. Sat in the sun eating our sandwiches. Walk to the main part of the park, near to the carpark. SWARMS of people. Half of London. Bizarre that they choose to be in such close proximity to each other when the majority must spend their days crammed like sardines on buses and trains. Daffodils out in force. Found my camera (YES!). Sophie took some lovely arty shots. Asked Matt to go pose in them. Matt stands in them like a dork. Ask him to hide his coke bottle. FLINGS it. Unexpected.
Came home and had a nap. Reapplied makeup as thought David was coming over. Scarf down some pasta with Sophs. David cancels. Watch shit tv instead. Very enjoyable.

Sunday:

Waiting outside some sports EMPORIUM for Matt to choose a pair of football boots:

Lulu: Can I have a pound please? I want to buy a 99.

Me: Yeah.. are 99's a pound then?

Lulu: Don't be a dickhead *walks off to ice cream van*

Me: *to Sophie* I just didn't think they'd only be 99p is all

Sophie: She'll be back in a minute...

Lulu: *Not at all embarrassed* Can I have another pound please?

Me: HAHA

Ambulance man nearby: Haha!

Sophie: Ro, you should go after him. Fit AND useful

Then we got bored waiting for Matt so we went to Homebase to get some ant killer (I know, all laughs round ours). And I stupidly asked the inbred INBRED INBREDIST person in the whole world to point us in the direction of the poison. He took us to the correct aisle. THEN I stupidly asked if ant killer was harmful to cats. (Although would take a JUGGERNAUT to harm Clyde). And he was all, I'll get on the phone to pest control. AND he asked his colleague to help him. His colleague who was definitely DEFINITELY his inbred brother. ANYWAYS half an hour later... they shambled over and one guy was like, no no no no no it's not harm harm harmful to CATS but don't don't don't put it put it it it
Me: All over the cat?
Him: NO! No no no don't do that...
Sophie and Lulu: *Turning their backs to us*

Then Matt finally picked a pair of trainers...

Me: Oh THANK GOD.... do you want a burger?

Matt: I'd LOVE a BURGER

Sophie: HAHA did you think he'd be all, no..

Me: No. I mean, who WOULDN'T want a dirty burger out of a van in a carpark next to a motorway.

Then Matt was a bit worried the guy wouldn't offer him onions but he did. Which was a relief.

Sophie cooked a deeeee licious beef and ale pie for dinner and we watched ER whilst Matt did his homework. ER is proper depressing man. Killing people off in the first 5 minutes.. jeez. We also watched Come Dine With Me because we are into shit tv. WHERE do they get such mentals from? Amusing.

Peter Pan

2009-03-18T07:17:00.002Z

Ruth: On way to Slimming World. Feels like I'm off to be hanged as have been so bad over the weekend.

Me: Think happy thoughts then you'll become light enough to fly.

*Later*

Ruth: Happy thoughts didn't work for me... I became heavier!

Me: Well. Shit. It worked for Peter Pan.

Ruth: Peter was drinking Red Bull.

Me: Peter's a dick sometimes man.

Ruth: I know. Goes around feeding kids substances to make them think they can fly out of their window. Who does he think he is?

Me: I'm going to get onto child services.

Steve leaves

2009-03-17T07:51:00.001Z

Chris is leaving my old place of work. Since he has been known as Steve there for 3 years now, I assume it is to get his identity back.

Steve: Dear all,

Just a quick reminder about this Thursday. For those of you who were away last week, we postponed the dinner to Thursday 19th March, so hopefully everyone can now make it along.

The vague plan is to meet in a pub at 6pm, then I will book a table somewhere for 7pm. Please let me know whether this works with everyone. If so, I will send clearer plans on the day.

I have already got confirmation from Hollie, Martina, Sam, Florian, Charlotte and myself, so am still waiting for a final word from Mike, Shamima and Fanny.

Hopefully see you all on Thursday.
Regards,

CS

Me: RUDE. Don't I count?

Steve: Apologies Rosie! But to quote Jagdish, "you worthless monkey!"
Count yourself officially counted. See you on Thursday.

Sam: I guess we all took it for granted you would be there - like Chris. Else what's the point?

Me: Thanks Sam! I tell you, it is lucky I know such great people otherwise I might have chucked myself under the Piccadilly Line by now... actually, that is a lie. I find it really bugging when people do that.

Sam: Too true, please choose another line when the time comes. Look forward to seeing you. Sam

dreams

2009-03-15T14:23:00.002Z

Me: Am applying to jobs like, PA to CEO of financial research company. Experience is like, able to write well, talk well, worked 1:1 before, worked in finance before. I'm all, YEP ALL OVER IT. THEN it's like, excellent powerpoint, word and excel skills. And I'm like... er.. go for it? Or forget? Because I can cobble together a powerpoint presentation (last attempted at uni) and can work on excel but am not sure am EXCELLENT at it. Thoughts?

Sadie: Go for it. You can always buy Powerpoint for home and brush up. Excel doesnt have that much in it to be skilled at.

Sophie: Go for it cos it takes about a minute to learn anyway. I lied and got lumbered with the whole excel thing and now sometimes when I have to write in English and I’ve spent the last 56465435465 hours in Excel I forget how to type normal words. I think they just say that b-locks in a app to cover their bases. You could be a parachuting medic and they’d put down ‘IT skills’ as something you should be good at.

Sadie: Laughing! Am going to check the very next parachuting medic cv I spot.

Me: Yeah. I've applied to them because am reasoning that I've got the other experience they are asking for and have the basics of excel and pp so can always get someone to show me if get job. Am trying to apply for nice sounding pa jobs, in media and whatnot. Why have i only got experience and am checking all the boxes for the financial pa roles?? HOW DID THIS ABOMINATION HAPPEN?

Sadie: I know! I wanted to be an archaeologist.

Sophie: I want to be a forensic scientist and I would have loved to be an archaeologist. And now I would quite like to be an ethnobotamist like the Grow Your Own Drugs dude.

Sadie: I spend my day talking in acronyms as in:
Is the feed into CRD direct from CTM? or is it CRD via ITR to CTM, and does CRD have a UAT environment because I have to report to the ITMT before I do a CC re the BONY change.
When my day is over, I often find myself thinking TTFON. Time To F* Off Now.

Sophie: Oh! We have that too. And sometimes I snigger because sometimes they are the same as real life things like BNP, SAS and sometimes they just are a bit wrong like FUC.

Me: I love those ones!! Mainly bcause Im all WHY HAS NOONE REALISED!!! Ironically, I HATE the one for the Harley Street breast clinic which is BAAPS. HATE.

Sadie: BAAPS was a huge mistake by someone.
We had FART (FMC Additional Reporting) and this was replaced by ARSE (Additional Reporting System Enterprise) Both names deliberately made up. Sadly, just before go-live they made us change ARSE to MARS.

Me: Just mean.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TOBY

2009-03-14T14:13:00.000Z

Me: This morning on the way to the station I got a clearer look at the guy who wears a pink cowboy hat and says hello. The hat isn't actually pink but more a reddish snakeskin. I don't think it is especially an improvement.
Also, when I got to work, there was an old man standing outside the station holding a small sign in the air saying: JESUS. I desperately wanted to go: "Where??!!" But I didn't.

Sophie: FYI cowboy hat man was vomming as I went past and searching for something in the vom. The newsagents kicked him out.

Sadie: Oh. My. God. OH MY GOD! What could have POSSIBLY been in there that he might want.

Me: Very glad I didn't snog him then.

Sadie: Snorting!!!!!!

Me: Even though he is polite and yesterday told me he liked my dress, the drunken slurring and rambling put me off.

Sophie: Well, I believe this is what happened:
He walked to the newsagents
Tried to buy alcohol with coppers
Was turned away
Started his very slow walk back (he has a limp leg)
Puked and dropped coppers
Etc
I feel quite sorry for him to be honest. He told Matt is was his birthday the other day and that he should buy him a drink.

Sadie: Lord, life must be hard when coppers are that important to you. So what would I wade through sick for I wonder..............

Sophie: At least a fiver.

Sadie: Funny dude!

Sophie: Hm but true.
Unless it was that dude’s sick.
It depends if it is my own. I may even fish in a family member’s for a fiver but absolutely no way that dude from this morn.

Sadie: I'm so glad you draw the line somewhere.

I hope Toby appreciates this post in honour of his birthday.

drivin

2009-03-13T07:47:00.001Z

Jess: YAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY! ALLY PASSED HER DRIVING TEST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sadie: Oh DUDE!!!!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!!!!!!!! That's SUPER!!!!!!

Sophie: OH THANK GAWD!!!! WELL DONE ALLY!

Jess: You and her both!

Sophie: My driving licence arrived today!

Sadie: So, thats everyone but me then!

Me: You should hook up with lulu. She has a vair vair interesting business plan re: hot naked chauffeur drivers.

Sophie: YOUR TURN SADIE!

Sadie: So not.

Jess: Aw, Sade, not important dude.

Sophie: Oh, that’s what I meant too!

Sadie: TOO LATE! I shall just stick to knitting and kittens. And wardrobe removal.

Me: If those 3 categories are your strengths... good luck dude.

Sadie: Mean

Sophie: Tee hee

Me: Congrats to Ally anyways. Did she get her boobs out? ME TOO

Sadie: Dude. Dude, dude, dude, dude, dude.

Me: Give me a break, that sht was HARD man. Also, that just proves I am entrepreneurial and forward thinking and willing to put my best foot forward etc.

Sadie: Proud of you babe. Proud.

Bun Control

2009-03-12T07:33:00.000Z

Me: Thinking of going to Brent Cross this weekend for interview trousers/skirt. There is a Next, Evans, Dorothy Perkins across the flyover and in Brent is Monsoon and M&S. Do you want to come with? x

Sadie: That'd be cool-as long as we are allowed breakfast/lunch/snack/whatever whilst there. Sat fine with me.

Me: Right, because I was REALLY going to disallow that!! HA! Ok, so will go on Sat then. Sounds good.

Sadie: I know how strict you are with the whole bun control issue.

Me: I like buns in all forms. And I think you know what I mean.

Sadie: Yes, I think I think I know what you mean too.

epic fail

2009-03-11T07:25:00.001Z

Dad: Shhhhhhhhh. Don't tell anyone.....

Sophie: HAHA

Sadie: Mean. MEAN. But at least we got it half way up the sta..................OK, OK, epic fail.

Me: WHATEVER! We are wimmins not beefcakes. Which is lucky as we had to slide past that gap to get downstairs and to the pub. It was like, worst fears realised going past that - thought I was going to get stuck and be there forever.

Sadie: What Rosie means is we glided past it. Glided and shimmied I tell you.

Me: So, we got the wardrobe stuck up the stairs and Sadie was all, OK! THAT didn't work!! Let's go to the dump instead. So we lug the heaviest tv in the WHOLE WORLD down the street to my car. Manage to wedge it in the boot. Think have locked keys in mote as can't find them, haven't. Get in car. Get ready to go. Realise left something in house. Go back in. Get back in car. Go to dump. Dump closed.
ME: What shall we do now?
Sadie: Red wine.
ME: OK!
Epic fail. Epic. I mean, not to the red wine. We did that REAL well.

Sadie: Rosie said red wine. I said a nice cup of tea, and I only went with the whole red wine idea because the pub didnt serve cups of tea.

Me: Slander

Dad: F the removal

Sophie: Haha!

the lion, the witch and the wedged 'drobe

2009-03-10T07:00:00.000Z

So. The wardrobe. I get to Sadie's where this big old wardrobe is in the hall. She's taken the bannister off and we are ready to go!!! Managed to get it half way before wedging it. Luckily there was enough room, once it had been pushed to the side, for me to get passed and down the stairs. I had to slowly edge past it and can I just say, WORST NIGHTMARES REALISED as at one point I got stuck and thought I was going to be left in the dark behind a wardrobe until I died. Frickin scary.
So then Sadie was all, ok. Forget the wardrobe. We'll take the t.v to the dump. Load the heaviest tv in the world into my car. Get to the dump. Dump closed. OH OF COURSE IT IS!
Me: Ok. What should we do now?
Sadie: Pub?
Me: Let's go.

Also, she has had to text my father and ask him to help her shift it and not mention to ANYONE that the wimmins got a wardrobe lodged up the stairs. I'd say about 2 minutes later she received numerous texts from relatives asking about whether she needed a quote to remove a wardrobe. Most amusing.

what's occurring?

2009-03-09T07:41:00.002Z

Again with the not updating. And the being made redundant. Plus I lost my phone. That is because it doesn't rain IT SHITS ON YOUR HEAD.
Here is an update via email:

Me: Came in this morning to my formal redundancy letter :(
Ruth came round last night with pizza and wine so at least had a lovely evening.
...Sophie ruined it a little by coming home and puking like a mule.

Sophie: Hello, I am at home this day. Feeling a tad better now. Just stomach aches and rumbles. Very embarrassing. Think I got food poisoning from a Hoisin Duck Wrap from Tesco cos when I was eating it I thought 'this tastes funny'. I thought I was never going to get home. Was sick along B Ave, inside 51 B Ave a few times(had to keep it quiet from mum and dad because didnt want them worrying before they go on hol), at Southgate station a couple of times, In Southgate Mcdonalds a couple of times. Then I started crying. IN THE STREET. Just so embarrassing. Thought I was never going to get home and be able to puke in my own toilet ALL EVENING.
Would like to say I cleaned and bleached all loos involved but sadly for commuters this morning I did not clean the streets.
I would also like to add the puking was not the worst part there were other worse horrors that I can't face going in to.
Thank God Matt was there because I would probably still be slumped against a wall somewhere around Southgate. I haven't managed to wash yet because I'm thinking that I might be sick in hot steam. URGHHHHHHHH

Jess: Oh poor Sophie!!!!
I hope you are feeling better hon...that's a shi88y thing to happen!!! It certainly sounds like F.P, bless nasty thing to happen..

Me: Just adding to the puke along our road by the pubs innit.
Hope it IS food poisoning as if I am sick on my weekend I'll be kinda upset.

Jess: Rosie that's not being very supportive....if you ARE sick this weekend it will burn off the PIZZA you had.

Sophie: So not worth the day off work!! Does anyone have any good news?!!!! This is where you need Lulu to cheer you up. Apparently her 'of' and 'off' spelling test was real.
Actually, good news is that Ruth is very sweet. I text her yesterday morn to say that Ro had some bad news and might need a hug/drink and I got a reply 2 mins later saying "I'll be round at 7 with the non-healthy options".

Sadie: Bless

Me: HAHA! Mmmmm minstrels.

Jess: Poor Soph! No good news, but good news that I'm not 'puking like a mule' as Ro so delicately put, and not redundant(so far). We need something nice to happen girls. If anyone wants coffee tomorrow let me know.

Me: She was.

Jess: Very good expression!

Sophie: Me: Matt I'm sooooooo embarrassed.
Matt: Don't worry, nobody noticed.
What a lovely liar. I would like a coffee

Jess: Ar he's sweet!! OK. Lovely to coffee

Me: HAHA! Oh well. I always think, eh, I'm NEVER going to be the most disgusting person on public transport puking or not.
Clyde made Ruth laugh A LOT last night. He was sitting staring up at the wall at something (dead people) and then would LEAP up as high as he could (few cm's) and stretch out his paws. For AGES he did that (2 minutes) and then EXHAUSTION made him lie on the sofa with her. Until she petted him and then he jumped down, looked at her with disgust, and went to his basket. Seconded to coffee. Although at some point I've been volunteered to walk the dogs whilst ma and pa are in Bruges.
Can have a look in Next for some interview trousers. Deep joy.

Sadie: Laughing!

Jess: I love that cat!!!!
Oh I'll walk the dogs wiv you!!

Sophie: Me too.

Sadie: Sophs, hope you're feeling better now. I want coffee, and I want to walk the dogs, but I also need some help.
Wardrobe turned up out of the blue last night, man said he took a chance even though he hadnt booked it with me. I hadnt taken the bannister off so couldnt attempt to get it upstairs. So I need someone to help me get it up the stairs.
And also I need Rosie to take me to the dump. Not to dump me you understand, though to be fair I am a bit creaky and some bits dont work so good no more. Its the TV in my front garden, and the bust bread machine that gotta go.
Pretty please.

Sophie: IT HURTS TO LAUGH! Tee hee. I will help. Not that strong though. I think wardrobe pushing is the job for an ox...

Me. If you 2 aren't aware, she is referring to me and the time we were in the kebab shop and the kebab man said I was like an ox. She is very RUDE even though I have been very sympathetic to her malady. FRIED EGGS sophie FRIED EGGS

Jess: Oh funny!!!

Sophie: That is so cruel. Just managed to shower. Feels so good.

Me: HIGH FIVE!!! Try managing a hoover!! Is good for recovery :) Fried eggs are the WORST thing to think of when you feel sick. Yuk. Fried eggs. Who wants to think of fried eggs when they are feeling vomitous? Noone, that's who.

Jess: Heh heh

Sophie: WHY ARE WE STILL TALKING ABOUT THEM??

Sadie: Really REALLY laughing! Poor Sophie, she needs sympathy not cruel (but hilarious) comments.

Jess: FFD!!!!! Really laughed at that!

Sophie: I'm glad you lot can see the funny side. Makes me feel so much better.

Me: Ruth is an occupational therapist. She would probably also suggest some soothing cooking. Perhaps around 7pm.

Jess: Funny!!

Sophie: Think I would die unfortunately. Had to lie down after shower. What a pity.

Jess: Yes im not sure we're up to lifting wardrobes up stairs?

Sadie: Its not really heavy, I lifted it out of the man with a van's van, with the man with the van.

Sophie: Was the man with the van called Stan?

Sadie: I didn't catch his name as we didn't formally introduce ourselves. I shagged him anyway.

Sophie: Shocking. Look at this email:
From: Kendra at Tesco
Dear Miss S,
We've noticed that you haven't placed a grocery shop with us for a while, and we hope that we haven't let you down.
Please don't forget how easy and convenient it is to shop online. All the purchases you've made online and in-store are still kept in 'My Favourites'.
And because we'd really like to welcome you back, we'll give you £7.50 off your next grocery order when you spend £75 or more.
So why not let us do your shopping for you again soon?
Best wishes,
Kendra

From: Sophie

Dear Kendra,

Haven't shopped online for a while, that is correct. The reason for this is because we were at the end of the delivery run and our items usually turned up late and somewhat soggy. I think things melted on other things by the time they got to us. Quite often our groceries were missing or wrong or on the use by date.

I would also like to add that your Hoisin Duck Wrap made me violently ill with food poisoning and its an experience I never wish to repeat.

Kind regards,

Sophie

Me: That made me laugh!!

Sadie: Me too! Classic! Well done you!

Jess: MAN THAT WAS AN AWESOME REPLY!!!!!!! I respect you forever!!! I'm having a shi8e afternoon, people having a go at me for things wot is NOT my fault!!!! I WANT TO GO HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: Buy them duck wraps!

Jess: Excellent idea!!

Me: JESS YOU JUST 'replied all' ON THAT EMAIL AND SENT IT TO TESCO!!! HA HA

Jess: OH GOD NO NO NO NO! DUDE IM HAVING A REEEELY STRESSED OUT BTCH FROM HELL TIME HERE!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO EXPECT ME TO FOCUS!!!

Sadie: Oh, really laughing now!!!!!!!!!!! Dude! Snorting! Snorting. Big piles of snort on my keyboard!

So- there you go! Next up, the saga of the (non-heavy my butt) wardrobe.

every time I read this I laugh

2009-03-08T07:10:00.002Z

Dad: Lu Lu say she got 14 out of 14 for spelling today. One of the words was help another was of. She is very please with her result.

Sophie: What?!

Me: "One of the words was help another was of" - Sophie - One of the words was 'help,' another was 'of'

Jess: FD!

Me: Took a while to work out. Am surprised she got of actually and didnt write off or something

Lulu: i only got it right cos i ididnt no that u HAD to put 2 'ff' 's when writing off. i thought it was just 1. didnt no there was any difference :S

Me: You're joking . . . right?

Sophie: Im confused. Why was Lulu in a Primary School having a test and is this her?

Lulu: cos ur mum said u r an idiot thats why

Sophie: YOU ARE

Jess: Wtf?????? is.going.on?

batchap and time man

2009-02-23T13:11:00.003Z

Hola!
Haven't updated this for a long long while and that is because had some stressful times lately. However, when I learnt of the stressful times, my aunt took me and my sister out for margaritas and wine and the rest of my family did similar and the stress reduced when I realised what a great family I had and that not only do these things happen but that my family will always be there. And that is pretty great.

Things that have happened (I will add pictures when my phone stops being silly and lets me send them to the computer)
Firstly, and most importantly, Sophie passed her driving test. I may be exaggerating a little but after 5 years and a billion lessons and whatnot, it has come as something of a relief. I baked her a banana cake in celebration.

Today I went for a walk with my padders and a small child he looks after in his childminder capacity. He was booted out the house by my mother with Brandon and the 2 dogs and told they could not come back for at least 2 hours. This is because she had a new baby coming to visit her and Brandon causes a touch of mayhem.
Me and B and dad had a really good walk. If you ask B what happened on the walk he will say: MARK FELL IN THE RIVER! And he will keep saying it until my dad starts looking slightly cross and say: I am going to put YOU in the river in a minute.

Even though I haven't written in this for ages, I can't actually think of anything else to say. Except that, until about last year, I never saw the bat in the Batman logo. This seems to be UNBELIEVABLE to the people I told who don't seem to understand that I never really analysed the logo or cared or whatnot. I just used to see the yellow tonsil shapes. I also never realised that the Victorian Era was so called because it covered the reign of Victoria. Same with Edwardian etc. I KNOW that I must have been told this at school or WHATEVER but until I was helping my little sister with her homework it wasn't really something I thought about. Made a lot of sense when I read it though. Same when I saw the Bat logo. Like, ohhhh. Cool. Clever.

ANYWAYZ.

trouserless

2009-02-06T07:26:00.000Z

Things that you say at 5am:

Woken up by Clyde leaping onto dresser:
Mmmmmmok well, you can play with my makeup but try not to tangle my necklaces

Clyde drinking out your water glass:
Try not to spill that on my phone

Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
Cute. Lets do this another time though cos this is too early. K?

Clyde biting your hands:
ow. this really hurts. please stop

Clyde scratching the fake wood:
Dude, that's not realllll. Go do it somewhere else.

Things that you say at 7.30am:

Clyde leaping onto the dresser:
OMG GET DOWN YOU IDIOT WHAT IS YOUR OBSESSION!!?????

Clyde drinking out your water glass:
DUDE!!! OMG!!!! I DRINK THAT!!! HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING IT TOO???? GROSS!!!

Clyde snuggling/sticking his head in your face:
This doesn't happen when it's a convenient time. E.g. Not fuck o'clock

Clyde biting your hands:
OW THAT HURTS JESUS CHRIST CAT

Clyde scratching the fake wood:
No, srsly, that ain't real wood. Stop it before it looks worse than it does... are you even listening to me?

Jess: Oh god I love this email!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Keeping it!

Sadie: Laughing big time! I'm beginning to be grateful I dont have a cat!

Sophie: Last night -
*THUMPPPPPPPP CRASH*
Matt: Erm… Clyde?
Matt: Clyde!
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: …. *looking*
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde’s allowed up there?
Clyde: *Looking*
Clyde: *Still just generally looking*
Matt: It’s ok buddy I’ll get you down
Matt: (Whispering) It’s ok, I won’t tell Sophie what your arse has just done to her glasses
Me: OH MY GOD YOU FAT EFFING CAT HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY YOU AREN’T ALLOWED UP THERE YOU GINORMOUS BL**DY LUMP
Matt: Poor Clyde, I think you have upset him
Clyde *Still just looking*
Me: POOR CLYDE?! RANTRANTRANT

Jess: Srsly fu88ing funnyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!! Love it!!!

Me: You know, it's funny when it happens to you. And your stuff.

Jess: Snigger

Me: When I got home last night, Sophie and Matt were lounging on their bed. I went in and had a chat. Went out and bumped into Clyde outside. Picked him up and went back in their room and was all: Look Clyde, all your family together! I put him on the bed. He LEAPED off and shot out the door. Matt: "Well. Huh. That was pretty insulting."

Sophie: Yes, this was 10 mins after the whole sitting on my glasses situation. He had just endured a bit of an earful.
I had a big fat headache last night and came home after an hour and a half driving lesson. Was going to put some washing on and think about dinner but I just took my trousers off and went to bed. Then Clyde came in and sat on me. That Matt came home and was like, what is going on? And then he sat on the bed watching telly. Then Rosie came home and was all, what is going on? And I just wanted to be in bed trouserless and in peace and dark.

Me: *All in bedroom*
Sophie: I would just like you both to know that I'm trouserless.
Me: Eh, you're always naked
Matt: *doesn't even acknowledge*

Jess: Oh laughing still!!

Sadie: FD! All your nightly conversations just excellent!

Matts baby

2009-02-05T07:37:00.001Z

Comments on my Facebook 'Clyde' albums' newest photo addition:

Lisa: As soon as I saw this album had been updated I got all excited that it'd be Clyde in the snow!!!!! He's giving you the evil eye though... I bet you ran away sharpish when he was let loose after having his picture taken!!!!

Me: HAHA!! Lisa, it was far too blimmin cold for me to go and lark about in the snow taking pictures. I don't think Clyde was even out there for too long, he likes visiting the crazy house next door. He was soaking the whole house though every time he dashed in and out.

Annette: I don't think the weight control biscuits are working.

Lisa: You haven't put poor Clyde on a diet?????

Me: HAHA! Matt bought ONE box of weight control biscuits to 2 normal. PLUS, moments after this photo, Matt fed Clyde an extra meal because he 'felt sorry for him getting wet playing in the snow.' He should be careful, Clyde probably weighs about the same as him. "Poor Clyde." MOST amusing

Sophie: Look how big his foot is. Not to mention his evil eyes.

Annette: Don't say such horrible things about my baby boy!

Matt: Harsh!

Sophie: Just now...
*THUMP CRASH*
Matt: Clyde
Matt: CLYDE!
Clyde: ....
Matt: Clyde, are Clyde's allowed up there? Get Down
Clyde: ....
Matt: It's ok, I'll gently lift you down.
Clyde:...

butts

2009-02-04T07:48:00.000Z

I went to uni with this guy. He is still at uni now because, for some reason, he decided to do a Masters. At uni I thought he was a bit of a jerk. Like, taking the piss out of people for laughs. It all stopped when I yelled at him. But he started talking to me online, apologised for not realising he was a big jerk and is now... kinda funny. The butt thing is because one of his jokes was to tell everyone I loved butt sex. Just out of the blue. Said that. He is pretty lucky I just yelled at him, come to think of it.

Sonny: What's up bum girl?

Rosie: You are.

Sonny: : )

Rosie: My butt looked great on Tuesday. For reals. OH! Did you get a snow day!!??? ME TOO!!

Sonny: I've been off uni all week. Lectures today though. What did you get up to on Tuesday?

Rosie: Because of the snow? Cool. Tuesday?? Work. Had to trek in. Left early though because am scared of breaking a hip on the black ice

Sonny: Your bum looked good at work?

Rosie: What?? Oh. Are we back to my butt? Gosh. That is all you talk about. It's sad really

Sonny: 2 things on my mind...

Rosie: Left cheek. And right.

Sonny: LOL! Liverpool and sex : )

Rosie: Sad. To the Liverpool part. I had to listen to the live transfer coverage on Monday

Sonny: You don't deny the sex part then!

Rosie: uu - That was supposed to be a butt smiley. I guess I'm not down with the kids enough to know how to do that.

Sonny: Lol

Rosie: EXCEPT I saw some Obama footage and this interviewer was asking him about his fist bumping. Except she called it FISTING. Obama. Fists :O

Sonny: Lol

Rosie: YES WE DID

Sonny: You're nuts

Rosie: What? Why? Because I'm topical?

Sonny: Just how you put things. Neway mate. I gotta get ready to go uni

Rosie: Student bum

Sonny: I'm not a typical student bum

Rosie: Stop talking about bums. Pervert

Sonny: YOU STARTED IT

Rosie: Definitely did not.

Sonny: Okkkkk.

Prehistoric Matt

2009-02-03T07:31:00.003Z

Friday
Met Sophie and Matt in Asda for a Big Shop. I think it helps living with people and budgeting with people who are Amusing. For e.g. Asda was packed and the aisles were crammed with people and trollies. It was easier to leave your trolly at the end of the aisle and grab what you wanted. Then go hunt down Matt and his bobbly head as he wanders off with the trolly you thought you'd left next to the toilet rolls. We had McDonalds for dinner. Bloody delicious.

Saturday
Went shopping with Sophie for Matts birthday present and other peoples and bla bla. We'd made a list of everything we needed and yet still ended up wandering round and round, going into the same shops numerous times.
That evening, ma and pa and Lol came over for Matt's birthday and give him the Wii Guitar World Band Tour thingy game we'd all chipped in for. Carrying that thing round Enfield was awkward in the extreme.
I think he liked it though. Plus Sophie has got really good at making chicken Korma. It was absolutely delicious. And so were the homemade onion bhajis.
Mum made a birthday cake and bought 24 candles. It took us at LEAST 5 minutes to light them all. Then Matt blew them out and someone made me relight them all so that they could take a photo.

Sunday
Matt and Sophie went to the cinema and out for dinner for Matt's birthday. I was told I was allowed an orgy of up to 6 men OR as many dwarves/midgets as I liked. Instead I was visited by almost the OPPOSITE of a midget orgy as Ruth and her FIANCE came over to show me her engagement ring and her new car. So happy for her/them. Apparently Ruth's dad (my Uncle Buck) told Andy he had had a fight with the ugly stick. Twice. And lost. Welcome to the family.
Later that evening, I heard Sophie and Matt coming down the drive. I went to open the door. And waited with the door open for about 10 minutes. I was like, what is holding them up???!!!! Writing 'boobs' on my car in the snow.

Monday
Woke up to snow. A whole lot of snow. Buses were cancelled. Sophie and Matt rejoiced. No news on my tube line. Put on my wellies, packed my lunch and went out. As I walked along, snow soaking me, no difference between road and pavement, falling into snow drifts... etc etc... I thought, this is RIDICULOUS. When I got to the station, it was closed. YES!!!!!!!!! SNOW! DAY! It was quite eerie actually as there was almost no traffic and it was totally silent. I trudged back home and had a cup of tea and a bacon sandwich with Sophie and Matt. Then we all rocked out on Matt's World Tour drums and guitar. Great fun. Then we had birthday cake. Then we had a nap. Pasta. More birthday cake.... It was a GREAT day.

dads baby

2009-01-31T11:33:00.000Z

SMASH

2009-01-31T07:06:00.000Z

Background: Since I watched the Hulk on Sunday night, every conversation I've had with David has included the words: "Hulk SMASH!!!

David: Right, I'm off for a blood test.

Rosie: Are you off to see if you are the Hulk?

David: No. I know I'm the Hulk. What with forever waking up in random locations naked. A trail of destruction behind me and a raging headache.

Rosie: ARE YOU REALLY THE HULK??!! OMG. WAIT RIGHT THERE. I AM COMING TO JUMP YOUR BONES.

David: What?? Do you fancy the Hulk!!????

Rosie: Er... YEAH. Who doesn't??

David: We've talked about this. What about his penis problems?

Rosie: What?! What penis problems??! We just said that no one could fell him by kicking him in the nuts!

David: You're only going out with him because of his big arms. I mean, it certainly ain't the conversation. Especially when all he can say is "Betty."

Rosie: What can I say. I chose big arms over conversation. I am shallow like that. Plus, I don't mind him calling me Betty.
Someone I used to work with used to call me Audrey.

David: "Yes darling, Hulk smash!, now come on lets go to the cinema"

Rosie: Jealous

David: I just cant believe youve found someone better at smashing than me. I'll just have to go find me a radioactive chick

Rosie: Good luck with that

David: Wow. We talk a lot of bollocks.

madness

2009-01-30T07:28:00.000Z

7:05 - Clyde clambers up on my bed and onto the headrest (preparing to leap into the dresser) Me: *Mumble* nooo Clyde. Drags him down

7:06 - Clyde looks at me. I try and snuggle back down for the last few pre getting up precious minutes

7:07 - Clyde puts his paw on my head in the 2nd attempt to get on the dresser. Me: mmmphhhhffff Clydeee noooo and God your foot is wetttttt blahhhhhhhhhh *pushes him to the floor*

7:07 - Clyde attempts a quick leap up onto dresser from floor position. Clyde and mini jewellery box come tumbling down. Me: *pillow over head* arghhhhhhh

7:08 - Clyde slinks up onto the bed, trying to act unsuspicious and nochalant. He bites my shoulder REALLY HARD. Me: mmmmmmmmpfhhhhhhh *pushes him to floor again*

7:09 - Clyde leaps up onto bed and pretends to snuggle. All the while his body is edging nearer and nearer to the dresser edge. Me: I'm not stupid. *Pushes him to floor*

This went on until 7:21 when Matt got out the shower and went to feed him. It was like Groundhog Day but even more annoying and I hate that film.

sleepin all over the world

2009-01-29T07:00:00.000Z

Sleepin on mamas old duffle coat. Dats pretty cuwte.

Sleepin on mamas clean washing. That is VERY VERY ANNOYING.

questions mainly based on scary programmes on tv

2009-01-28T07:31:00.002Z

Me: Would you rather:
Suck a slimy, snotty slug
or
Crunch a cockroach?

Gio: Great, great question….cockroach I think.
A woman here just said she wouldn’t sell her cat for £20 million. I told her to get a grip.

Me: I think cockroach too. The thought of even touching the slug makes me gag.
£20 million!!!!!! Firstly, I would question the sanity of anyone offering £20 million for Clyde. Second, I would question it whilst cashing my £20 million down Barclays.
Would you rather:
Suck a tramps crusty infected toes for up to and including 5 minutes
or
Give him £1000?

Gio: Have to give them a grand of my dosh I suppose.
Looked at my CD collection yesterday and really worried about myself when I saw Kylie, Aqua, Take That and Chapzone staring back at me.

Me: Me too.
Don't worry re: the albums. Matt has some of those too. He just hides them between albums like: omgihateeveryonetheyareallsuchloserswhydoesntanyoneunderstandmegoingtohavetopokemyselfintheeyeargh
Would you rather be:
Half ton son
or
Half man/half tree?
P.s. It is the year of the Ox. Even though I am rattus rattus, I feel this is my year.

Gio: Have to be Half ton son, at least he can do something about it I suppose.
I’m an Ox an’all!!

Me: Good answer. I don't think I could still be your friend if you were the tree man. Freaks me out too much. I could only watch 4 minutes of that programme. Like the Elephant Man. Me and Matt were arguing the other day about what Rolf harris' wobble board was called and he wouldn't change the channel off of the Elephant Man until I said, alright alright it is called something more technical than wobble board.
We have some very sophisticated debates in our house.
ARE YOU ALSO AN OX???!!!! HAHA! Biiiiiig and strongggggg.
Would you rather get off with:
One of those extreme doll things
Or
A bollard?

Gio: Some of those "extreme doll things" are very nice I'll have you known.

Me: ... Lordy

riddles and revelations

2009-01-27T07:01:00.008Z

Sophie: There's a body lying dead on a bed, and on the floor beside it is a pair of scissors. The scissors were instrumental in his death, yet there's no trace of blood. The body reveals no signs of any cuts or bruises. How could the person have been murdered with the pair of scissors?

Me: Rubber/metal allergy. You hear about people with allergies like that. They can't wear condoms.

Jess: Shouldn't we call the police instead of trying to solve the crime ourselves? I mean...someone's dead!

Sophie: I think they need to call EXTREME FORENSICS!

Me: I reckon
he swallowed the scissors
and then
pooped them out.
No need for extreme forensics. I'm on it.

Jess: FD!! It's rather sad that i immediately think of stupid things to say RATHER than actually be bothered enough to work out the riddle... I spose it's because I just don't really give a f**k... and I'm immature.

Sophie: Or me:
What was he wearing? What time was it? How long had he been dead for? Where was the suspect? Was there any DNA evidence? Fingerprints?
Actually, that line of questioning would serve me well for a career with the fowensics.

Jess: FD!!!

Me: No. You'd be going:
Where did he get his socks from?
What was his paternal grandparents called?

Jess: She SO would!!!

Sophie: Background research!!!

Me: She'd keep on like that until there was a new murder. Hers.

Jess: FD! Fowensics funny! It was probably a perverts death of some sort anyway.

Me: CASE CLOSED

Me: YOU CAN ALL GO HOME. SORTED.

Me: PUT THAT MICROSCOPE AWAY! DIDN'T YOU HEARRR??? PERVERTS DEATH

Jess: Oh reeeely laughing here!!!!

Sophie: I’d LOVEEEEEEEEE that job. Best job ever.

Me: That job is GROSS. You have to deal with dead bodies in refrigerators. That is not my idea of a good time. Unless I put them there.

Jess: FD! I could kill very easily.

Sophie: Me too, especially with a gun where you wouldn’t have to jab flesh or anything squeamish

Me: I've never thought of shooting anyone. If I was going to kill someone I could easily run them over. Or beat them to death. I think once I started battering someone, I wouldn't stop. I'm not like one of those people who get startled by a burglar or attacked and who manage to knock them down but then run off. If I got them down I am going to mash them. Get Clyde to sit on them whilst I call the old bill. Throw bleach and nailvarnish remover at them. ... I've thought it through.

Jess: Srsly you HAVE thought this through!!!

Jess: Oh man I'm still pissing myself here!!!! NAILVARNISH REMOVER???? BLEACH????? What is WRONG with you???

Sophie: Dunno but getting scared. Especially with the sleepwalking tendencies.

Me Srlsy, Sophie threw that shit in my eyes once. Thought I'd been blinded.

Sophie: WHAT! WHEN?

Me: Years ago. You were sitting on the top bunk. I was standing. I remember the burn like it was yesterday.

Jess: Snigger.......elephant memory much!

Me: It is hard to forget these things. Also, if you are ever attacked and you throw nailvarnish remover at them and you survive... YOU'RE WELCOME

.
.
.
.
.

Sadie: Am on a course..
At 4.30 I had had enough.
At 4.45 I had had more than enough.
At 5.15 I had zoned out
At 5.20 I threw a murderous look at Paul when he said 'can I just ask..............'
At 5.21, with the aid of a pair of scissors...............

I like big butts and I can not lie

2009-01-26T07:35:00.002Z

Jes: Oh man…Monday…and Saturday to look forward to. Not.

Sophie: Nooooooooooooooo(nonononononononononono)

Jess: FD.... though I do feel that pain.

Sophie: Where is Sadie then?

Jess: I dunno!! Any idea?

Sophie: Chillaxing at home?

Me: Funny! That is what I think too. I am eating porridge. Taking it slowly.

Jess: She may be on a course I suppose? Now I want to know.... I'll text her.

Sophie: Company brekkie being delivered in a mo. Good thing about that is the crate of yummy seasonal fruit from I believe the only English greengrocers left in London. I like to make myself a platter to last the week

Me: Wish we had fresh fruit delivered here. Instead we get doughnuts. Loads and loads of doughnuts and custard creams. My butt. Jess - I had a dream last night that you lost so much weight that you butt was like... TINY. But, like, DEFORMED tiny. I don't know why I am dreaming of your butt instead of, for e.g., Jensen Ackles' butt. You need to write and complain for me.

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!! Laughing big time!!! New series of Supernatural started last night........gosh those two lads are lovely.... bestest tv programme eva! I'd damwell love to see Jensen's butt.

Me: Talking of butts-
Me: Get down. Down. GET DOWN. DOWN. GET... Clyde.. I am NEVER going to feed you again unless you get down
Clyde: SPLATTTTTTTTTTTTT
Me: Graceful.
He is a big butt head. He was sitting in the front of the dresser getting ready to leap up. I was lying in my bed going, sternly, NO CLYDE. NO. NO. He was all WHATEVER *preparing to leap* I rolled up my magazine and was like NO CLYDE. He looked at me and was all, pffft. *Walks round to side of dresser, out of reach of me by the door and leapt up. Me: Ok. That was impressively done. But GET DOWN

Sophie: He did that to me yesterday. When I was going “OI. OIIIIIII, GET. OFF.” He just sat his fat a r s e down and looked me in the eye.

Jess: Oh FFDD!!!! So FD! "Sat his fat a r s e down!"

Sophie: The thing was I was sitting on my bed sorting out my scarves so he was literally looking me in the eye in a blatant display of “Yeah…. And?” It’s just so rhude! He has every ledge and sofa, bed and even the kitchen table to plonk on but I take offence to the one area I have made nice with jewellery, photos, make up etc

Me: I know. The ONE surface. The one with glasses of water, coffee cups, perfume bottles. What a d i c k.
ALSO. He came and snuggled last night. Too late I was all, dude you are WET and pushed him off the white sheets. This morning there is a perfect trail of muddy paw prints. Gross.

Jess: Fd! HE'S A RIGHT BOY THAT CAT!!! Rude and ignorant...actually that is so cat!

Sophie: It’s the only surface that I have covered with trinkets and bits and bobs that I like.
I typed bits and boobs then but that is definitely not right.

Jess: SNIGGER. Funny tho.

not an animal

2009-01-23T07:12:00.001Z

Sadie: Wanted to read and reply to all emails as I have 5 mins but PC crashing all over the place so can barely type this email. Forgodsakeandallthatsholyalready...........

Sophie: 5 mins til what?

Me: You could do a lot in 5 minutes. Madge and Justin saved the world in only 4

Sadie: I didnt quite save the world, but I have managed to get through the week without performing a face to desk bounce on anyone, and thats quite a remarkable feat.
I am having a nightmare time again, no lunch for days, early mornings, late nights. And I also had a reasonably rubbish time on Saturday. Went for a meal before O2 concert, forty quid for some chicken and chips and a glass of water. Right put me in a bad mood that did. Plus 25 quid taxi cos 02 is in such a shite place you cant get home from it.
Still at least...............no, there's no at least.

Jess: Morning ho's. 'fraid I'm gonna have to get the expression 'face to desk bounce' in SOMEWHERE today!!! Srsly like that!!!!!

Sophie: Who did you see at the O2? £40 for chicken and chips? I go to the Pizza Express if I go to the O2. Just put on contact lenses, face powder, eyeliner, mascara and a coat of nail polish at my desk (over the chipping coat).
Added bonus: someone came to talk to me whilst I was trying to put my lenses in and said “bad time” and walked off.
Went to see The Reader last night.

Jess: CLEVER! What was The Reader like?...................My Bloody Valentine was mega tosh, but Mr Ackles was stunningly gorgeous eye candy homicidal maniac in it so I enjoyed that!!! Can't stand these men falling in love with stupid chicks so sexy murdering slasher quite appeals to me...hmm.... I know what I WROTE is so wrong but I just can't seem to care.......

Me: You are into homicidal maniacs Titch? Because I am sure out of all the crazies I talk to, some must fit that description. Let me know if you wanna be hooked up.
Disclaimer: None look like Jensen Ackles.

Jess: I ONLY WANT CRAZY IF HE LOOKS LIKE JENSEN...............

Sophie: No dude, I hate all that crud as well. Lulu and Rosie LOVE those films though. I find it quite shocking the b*llocks they watch as no one else in the entire family is into that tripe. I quite enjoyed The Reader, although it was a bit odd.

Jess: God I DETEST them........I honestly can't think of anything worse than romcoms or chickflicks! I love films mind!!! Don't mind rooood films tho, s'long as there's not a fu**ing squeak of *sneery face* romance!!!

Me: Me and Lol love us a bit of Charlies Angels COME ON and Miss Congeniality. And Happy Go Lucky is great.

Jess: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Sophie:Hahahahhahahahahahaa. Do you know what…. I was going to say in my 1st email if it’s got Cameron Diaz (vom) in it they love it.

Jess: Cameron freakin Diaz is a freak.

Me: I wouldn't mind being freaky like her.

Sadie: I agree with Jess and Soph re the Romcoms. Although I do have a sneaky fondness for the Doris Day/Rock Hudson Pillow Talk. Personally I like a jolly good action thriller with plenty of bad language. Angela likes films about paraplegic's who then have something dreadful happen to them.................srysly
I saw Carmina Burana and Verdi at the O2, cos I is posh totty. What is The Reader?
Re face to desk bounce, I do love the idea of doing it silently. I can imagine my arm swiftly lashing out, followed by a loud thwack ringing out in the silence of the office as desk connectivity is made. And I've still got bad sinuses, so they should just leave me the F**K alone today.

Me: I like most films but me and Lol love a good crappy one. Not too crappy though 'PS I LOVE YOU' I AM LOOKING AT YOU.
I HATE the depressing ones like paraplegics and whatnot. Sophie went out last night and Matt was trying to get me to watch Elephant Man with him. I was all NO and he was all *pretending to be elephant man* AIIIIII AMMMMM NOTTTTTT ANNNN ANIMALLLLLLLLLLLL.
I love the thought of someone coming up to you and asking a stupid question whilst you are typing and you just do the head bounce thing. I'm just gonna pretend that is what you are doing.
Cool re: Carmen. Was it good?
Poor you with the sinuses. I just have a headache from dealing with idiots. Oh the FATIGUE of it all!

Sadie: Laughing at Matt impression! Dude, Elephant Man though, what a deeeeeeeeeeepressing film.
Carmen was good, although the performance art during it was a bit strange. At one point Angela turned to me and in a loud whisper said 'Oh what the F*CK are they doing now'
Clearly we just ain't that cultured.

Sophie: Carmina Burana – good one.
I imagine the head, desk interface Wallace and Gromit plasticine style for some reason.
Matt text me last night “let me know when you’re on your way home and I’ll do your hot water bottle” how sweet is that.
Sinuses – mine are HIDEOUS too!!!! It’s back. Waking up feeling like someone smashed my face in again, perpetually tired. HATE IT HATE IT HATE IT SO I AM WITH YOU THERE

Sadie: Matt is sooooo sweet!
Poor you, I thought your sinuses were a thing of the past. The first day I got it I woke myself up at three in the morning shouting MY NOSE REALLY HURTS. My shouting really made my heart race, and I spent half an hour trying to calm down. And another half hour searching for nurofen.

Sophie: I feel your pain but that made me larfffff. I a bit behind due to lunch break commitments and typing one handedly

Sadie: Laughing!Is the one handed typing due to holding food in the other?
Also, I was a bit embarrassed after that shout. Said to myself, there's not actually anyone in the room to tell.

Sophie: Mate, I’ve just eaten 6 baby pitas and tarama (again). Feel like I’ve eaten a breeze block. Woooo. Very full now.

Me: Have I told you how irritating Clyde has been lately? For some reason he has decided that the best place to be is on my dresser. Which is crowded with delicate things. Like lamps. And glasses of water. And, also, he likes it best up there at night. So I get woken up by him standing on my head so his fat butt can leap up. That is the first insult. Second he bumbles around up there and I have to get up and get him down before I'm cleaning up broken glass and whatnot at 3am. Third. Stupid cat.
Although he was amusing me GREATLY last night by sticking his head in the top of my lamp whilst I was in bed reading. Like, his whole head. Then I guess he realised the bulb was really hot because it kept making him sneeze. But he kept sticking his head back in it. And sneezing. And his little head would come out looking all confused and puzzled and dazed. I laughed a lot. Until he woke me up all night jumping onto my dresser.

Jess: I so laughed at this mail!!!!

Sadie: Laughing! Ah, he sounds such a cutie. A big mountainous lump of a cutie, but a cutie nevertheless. Wish I could have a cat, it's not fair.

Sophie: This morning he lay in wait in the bathroom and then leapt on to my leg in attack as I walked in (having woken up 10 seconds previously). Very shocking. Very shocking indeed.

Jess: Izzy has worked out that why smack my face once during the night when she can keep smacking it as it wakes me up and i larf!!!
I woke up this morning with a pin prick spot of blood on the bridge of my nose, yup, a rather violent reminder of an izzy swipe....
AND again she sneezed full in my face last night!!! I.MEAN.FULL.ON.SNEEZE!!!!

Sadie: Dude. Hasnt she seen those adverts on the tube escalator saying USE A HANKIE.

Me: I hate those adverts. Next to the word moist, I hate 'water droplets' in terms of those posters. Makes me retch.

Sadie: So, you wouldnt like a hanky, made moist from water droplets? Hanky is a silly word when written down. Or is is Hankie?

Jess: Snot rag dude.

Sadie: But I am a lady.

Jess: Again, snot rag dude.

Sophie: Titch, did you go to finishing school? It’s just with that turn of phrase I’m sure you must have.

Jess: Well I know school finished me off...does that count?

can you tell what it is yet?

2009-01-22T07:47:00.001Z

Me and Matt were home alone last night. Matt said, Sophie will be home at 11pm. I said, why are you telling me that? So that we can sit up and worry? And he was all, no. Just thought you might want to know. And I was like, ARRRRR COS SHE'S MY BABY SISTER??? And Matt was like, er... no she isn't. And I was all, but that's how I think of her.
Anyway. The point is. The conversations me and Matt had later in the evening flew in the face of that. Plus the fact that we had ready meals for dinner and 12 doughballs.

David: Evening

Rosie: DAVID. WHAT'S HAPPENING?

David: I dunno what is happening??

Rosie: Well. Matt is on the phone to his mum. He is asking her what Rolf Harris' wobble board is called. Because he doesn't believe it is called a wobble board. So he called his mum. What do you think it is called? I won't give you any hints.

David: That is some surreal shit

Rosie: She is also online. I have just written 'Wobble Board' in her window

David: Amazing

David: So is it?

Rosie: HAHA. She has told him wobble board!! Although she has also told him I told her wobble board online. She is a snitchnose. I'm going to write THAT in her window now too.

David: Ok.

Rosie: Now we are talking about the band Razzmus. Or whatever their name is. Matt is 'singing' their song to me. It's pretty much entirely unrecognisable.

David: Wow. I need to come hang out with you lot. You have some abstract evenings

Rosie: Get on it Dave. I'll put the kettle on

David: Cool

Rosie: I can show you my burnt foot as well if you like

David: I'm on my way. I'll bring the Savlon

Rosie: Ok. But you cant touch my foot. As that is gross

David: Ahh man.... Haha. Right I'm off. My bro is kicking me out like a bastard.

Rosie: Rude. Tell him you are discussing some very important matters

David: HAHA. Yeah. OK!

So me and Matt were having a conversation about wobble boards and it is all the fault of Winston Churchill. Or whatever that bulldog advert on tv is for. Because Rolf is in it. With his wobble board. And Matt was all OH WHAT IS THAT THING CALLLLED?? And I was like er, duh, wobble board. But he thinks it has a technical name. I googled it and wikipedia says it is a wobble board and Rolf basically invented it whilst trying to wobble a picture dry. And then Sophie came home and said it is DEFINITELY called a wobble board. I was speaking to Corinne online and her and her sister also say "wobble board." I think that makes it, like, 24-1 and yet Matt is unshakable in his belief that it is not called a wobble board. That is because he is a nincompoop. It went as far as Matt holding the remote hostage and keeping Elephant Man on the tv until I said ALRIGHT ALRIGHT YOU BIG BABY IT'S A WOBBLE BOARD. But he was all YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU DON'T WANT TO WATCH THE ELEPHANT MAN. Luckily Sophie came home before Rolf Harris could start a beatdown.

spooooooooky

2009-01-21T07:50:00.000Z

The last stretch before home. The spooky part where I hold my bag closer, turn my iPod off and clutch my keys in my fist.

priorities

2009-01-20T07:40:00.000Z

Dad: Do you miss living here?
Me: Well, I miss not having to wash mould off the walls that is for sure
Dad: ... anything else?
Me: Not having to deal with stupid blimmin plumbing problems was great too
Dad: ANYTHING ELSE
Me: OH! OH! I MISS LIVING WITH YOU DAD!
Dad: I'M BEHIND MOULD AND BLOCKED TOILETS?????????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lamp or wall fixture?

2009-01-14T07:52:00.000Z

Sophie: Matt: Yesterday Clive was wearing one of those things that you tie around your neck
Me: A neckerchief?! Really!? When?!
Matt: Dude, not the cat, Clyde. Cli-V-e. From work.
Me: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Matt: I think they wear them where he's from
Me: The Scouts?!
Matt: No, South Africa
Matt: Jesus, I wish I never bother sometimes.

Me: Funny. I don't like telling you stories because you question everything. E.g, what colour where his socks? And I'm all, dude, I was telling you that he had just had a baby, what have socks got to do with anything?

Sadie: Snorting! What was your expression Rosie, eyes on the story?

Sophie: Whatever!

Me: Yeah. Exactly. When I worked with Giovanni, I couldn't tell him anything either. He does the same thing as Sophie. You're trying to tell some 3 minute anecdote and he is asking who their grandparents are or something. I told Sophie something once and she asked her usual 23 questions and I was all OMG. And then, we were in the library, I told Giovanni. Like, 2 minutes later. And he asked hundreds of questions too. I remember being all THAT IS IT I AM NOT TELLING YOU TWO STUFF ANYMORE. Matt clearly hasn't learnt.

Sophie: Some people just aren't 'bigger picture' people

Sadie: Laughing!

Jess: Pi**ing myself!!!!

Me: Mate. It is the most annoying thing ever.

Jess: Funny tho......

Sadie: Laughing! So whilst the rest of us are often saying TMI, Sophie is saying TLI - too little information.

Sophie: It's just those stupid jokes that you don't get are jokes. e.g. a man walks into a bar..... I need background like what bar? when? was he alone? But obviously not as obvious as that.

Me: Well. Sometimes . . .

Sadie: You would be perfect for my job!!! The old joke goes -
God said "Let there be light"
The Business Analyst says " What colour do you want? When should it come on?"

Sophie: Lamp or wall fixture?

Sadie: Laughing!
Do you want it to turn on and off automatically? Do you ever want it to flash? Should there be an override switch? How do you want it powered? Who will have access to fix it when it goes wrong? What do you want as an area of coverage? Do you want it off in some places and on in others? When you say white, what shade of white?
My job can be very fulfilling sometimes.

Sophie: I find it excruciating when Matt casually throws stuff in like: "My sister watched Iron Man as well... and oh yeah, she's pregnant." Really? how far pregnant? Does she know what she's having? And he's just like I don't know for eff sake I was asking her about Iron Man. He is the opposite to me. Absolutely painful.

Jess: FD! Got woken up this morning by a full-blown-right-in-the-face-wet-far-reaching cat sneeze...Me: DUUUUDDDDDE

Me: DISGUSTING

Jess: Was. I'm not concentrating on what's going on in the office as I'm on the net reading, but I'm sure I just heard R ask C something and C replied: "We can't put her there because she's a hippo" ...........I'm not asking.

Me: I bet she wasn't as big as the half ton son. Me and Sophie watched that last night. Sophie laughed when this seriously seriously obese woman crashed her mobility scooter thingy into an underwear stand in a shop. I tutted at her and she was all: WHATTT? She's not that fat anymore and it's ok to laugh now! And I was all, ok HAHA

Sadie: Good to see the spirit of Christian Christmas goodwill and loving is still with us

Jess: Snigger

Me: Sophie: MATT MATTTTTTT MATT MATT MATTTTTTTTTTTTTTT MATT MATTT MATT
Matt: *Coming out of his bedroom where he has been doing homework* What?
Sophie: Watch half ton son with us!!!
Matt: This is really not my thing
Sophie: No! It is great! Look at him!
Matt: No, seriously. This is not my thing. I'm with you on the forensic programmes but this I will leave ... why is she feeding him hamburgers?
Me: Dude. That's nothing. He was sitting on the toilet a minute ago and his belly covered the whole thing, right down to the floor! And then his mum had to wipe his butt!
Matt: *Looking at us* *Leaves the room*

Sadie: Oh God, laughing!

Jess: Oh srsly...............funny.... but I'm gonna have to go with Matt on this one...........*looking at you*

just bein fancy

2009-01-14T07:19:00.000Z

Text

Me: Hey Lo, just emailed the homework to you

Lol: Just looked at it. I like the picture of Big Ben

Me: That isn't Big Ben. It is the clock tower on the Houses of Parliament. And I labeled it as that!

Lol: I just thought you were being fancy

mental

2009-01-13T07:51:00.000Z

David: Alright. I've decided I should probably actually do some decent work. At least for a few days

Rosie: Why are you talking to me then?

David: Well, I can talk to you a bit

Rosie: I just got accused by the doorman/security guy of making up an encounter with some sales guy. It was like being in the twilight zone. Like one of those people that get sectioned when they aren't mental

David: What sort of an encounter?

Rosie: Some sales guy came and chatted to me and told me his company were renting one of the free offices here. Turns out, he was lying. I mentioned it to the doorman and he was all, noones renting the upstairs . . and I never saw this guy . .

David: ok...

Rosie: No one saw him come in so I've been accused of lying. And making the whole thing up. Because apparently I'm mental

David: Haha, tricky situation.. can you prove to him that you're not a delusional mentalist? Probably not

Rosie: DAVID! Apparently saying WHY WOULD I MAKE THIS UP doesn't convince them

David: That is pretty funny

Rosie: OMG

David: That's exactly what a mentalist would say though...

Rosie: I will prob think this is funny by our drinks on Thursday but now? DAVID I AM COMING TO MASH YOU

David: Haha I'd like to see you mash me

Rosie: I'd give it a go. I'm a little on edge now what with - Alan: Rosie, how do you keep such a straight face when you are lying?

David: Did he say that with a totally straight face?

Rosie: Yes ... Why? You think he is winding me up? Because he isn't. I had to walk round the building looking for this guy. And check the CCTV. But they would only let me check half hour. We didn't see the guy so he still thinks I have made it up

David: Oooh see that s just gonna make you look more mental

Rosie: DAVID

David: Looking at CCTV for a guy who isn't there . .

Rosie: OMG

David: .. maybe you should take some time off

Rosie: Am not speaking to you anymore. Am on way. Prepare for a beatdown

David: Bring it

Rosie: I am. Have packed those old phones I was telling you about. All 43 of them. Am going to start by individually throwing each one at your head

David: And you think I'm going to sit there and let you throw all 43 phones at my head? Maybe the first 2 might catch me off guard but then I'd be all over you like a powerful moss

Rosie: They will probably daze you. They are from the 80s. I'd only need one good hit

David: Yeah true could be fatal. They probably weigh about 100k

Rosie: Just slightly smaller than a phone box. And my rage will be carrying them. Actually, "powerful moss" has just cracked me up so I forgive you and have put them away.

David: Nothing quite as hot as an angry woman with huge phones coming at you.

David: Oh ok well thats good

Rosie: YOU ARE SO LUCKY.

Rosie: HAHA. It won't be hot once they start ricocheting off your bonce

David: I dunno..what will you be wearing?

Rosie: Currently, I am all in black. Like a ninja. You won't even see me coming

David: Damn you have got it all planned out. I'm a dead man

Rosie: Nah. I told you. You said powerful moss and I liked you again

David: I'll remember that. Next time Rosie wants to beat you to death, just say something slightly ridiculous and she'll probably calm down

Rosie: I'm easy like that. Am going to make a cup of tea. BRB.

David: Cool

Rosie: Made a tea

David: Quick work

Rosie: I am a tea drinker expert

David: Yeah I'm quite addicted. I'll drink any tea too. Earl Grey, peppermint, Echinachia, Rasberry . . . I'm hardcore

Rosie: Peppermint. For when Earl Grey isn't gay enough

David: What you trying to say?

Rosie: That when peppermint isn't gay enough, you just get some guy to dip his balls in the hot water

David: But always use a tea strainer. Don't want to have to pull anything out of your teeth

Rosie: Thee ol' classy ball hair remover maneuver

David: Yup. I know all the tricks of the genitalia based hot beverage trade

Rosie: Skillz

David: I dont like where this conversation has gone...

Rosie: Our conversations always end up with you coming out

David: You must just have that fag hag vibe about you

Rosie: That still makes you gay

David: And what?

Rosie: And nothing. Elton

David: Haha nice. Liza

Rosie: Ah touchè

At the Gaylord Texan, the mentals are welcome

2009-01-13T07:17:00.001Z

Me: I'm reading about the company who have just moved onto the 3rd floor. Some rep from there just came and said hello. Apparently they had an event at the 'Gaylord Texan.' I'm laughing. Alone. Because I'm a child.

Jess: Dude......... that's funny .. and yeh ok, a bit childish, but I'm laughing.....

Later:

Me: OH MY GOD! I've just been . . hussled or something! That guy that came into my office saying he was from the Gaylord Texan company told me they were going to rent out one of the offices here.
Me: You are moving into the building?
Him: Yep. So would be good to grab a business card.
Me: Yeah, course. Do you have one I could take?
Him: No, we'll be sending an introductory letter round though.
Me: Ok. Cool. You're renting one of the floors then?
Him: Yep. So we couldn't be nearer for business!
Me: *alrightttt with the sales pitch already*

Anyway. The point is, I asked him about 20 times whether he was moving in as I assume that we would have been told. And cos I don't always listen the first time. He leaves.

About 15 minutes later Alan comes in.

Me: I didn't know that someone was renting the floor
Alan: What?
Me: Some guy just came in saying they were renting one of the floors
Alan: . .. ...no
Me: No? What? But . . like . . he came in and said that he was. For reals. Like, discussed it with him and everything .
Alan: No . . no one is renting the floor . . when was this?
Me: Like . . 15 minutes ago!
Alan: I was on the post round . . bloody Fernando!! (Crazy cleaner left to guard reception) (FAIL)
Me: OMG!!! WHAT! He just made up a story??!! But, like, what, I wouldn't FIND OUT he's INVENTED a company! Like a wouldn't NOTICE!!

Alan asked what he looked like and has gone on the prowl. I am waiting for my introductory letter so I can email kick his ass.
Jess, you write and complain

Jess: Fd!! I'm composing as we sit.

Sadie: Bizarre! What do they hope to gain from it?

Sophie: That's what I too was pondering.

Me: Our business I guess. Although, on first impressions? FAIL

Sadie: Yup, first impression would be ' a liar who wasted your time.' I usually try for the exact opposite.

Me: GUESS WHAT. Gay Texan update.
So. Alan goes on the prowl and then comes back. And basically we have a conversation that goes something like, why did you make this up Rosie?
Me: What?
Alan: I'm really impressed what a straight face you can keep when you are lying.
Me: HAVE I ENTERED SOME KIND OF PARALLEL UNIVERSE?

So .. Alan was off on the post round and leaves Fernando at the desk. Fernando says NO ONE walked past him. Him and Alan check the CCTV time during Alans round. Nope, no one comes in the building.

Me: ...... You know, I'm not MENTAL.
Alan: NO ONE came in
Me: OMG *recaps encounter for the 129th time*
Alan: So where is the business card he gave you?
Me: He didn't give me one. I asked and he said he didn't have one . .
Alan: .....
Me: But . . . he said he would send an introductory letter instead . . .
Alan: .....
Me: OMG WHY WOULD I MAKE THIS UP. YOU ARE OUT OF YOUR MINDS
Alan: Fernando, go take Rosie round the floors to see if you can see him

So I just went on some pointless tour of the building, looking at the empty offices. I don't know why. I come back and am like, well, he ain't sleeping up there so . . can I now go and ask the other companies to see if he visited them?
Alan: I looked round those ones and he wasn't there
Me: But did you ask them if he had been in?
Alan: No because he wasn't there.

Have just gone through the CCTV myself with Alan. I emailed youse guys at 11.22 about the Gaylord thing so went from 11. No one entered the building. I can't convince Alan to go from 10am SO NOW EVERYONE IS DEAD. I'VE KILLED THEM IN A MURDEROUS RAGE BECAUSE I HAD TO SAY THE WORDS: ALAN I AM NOT MENTAL STOP SUGGESTING I MADE THIS UP. And he gave me a look that said he thought I was mental.

Jess: Oh God sooooooooooooo funny!!! Well done Ro, really good wind up!!

Me:OMG you better be messing with me because I am covered in rosacea and can't breathe properly

Jess: DUDE..................... covered in rosacea a FU**ING CLASSIC!!!!!!

Me: Dude. It's unbelievable. Never before have I felt like I was going to puke, poop and explode all at the same time when Alan said I had made it up. There was so much I wanted to say that I sounded like .. like WHAT WHY BUT OMG BUT AND YOU OMG

Jess: Dude.........he's a male.....ergo...dickwad!! Make sure you exact a punishing revenge on him...

Sophie: Uh-oh. Twilight zone

Me: I actually feel sick because . . . I WAS ACCUSED OF MAKING IT ALL UP. So apparently I'm suddenly mental. I felt like one of those people that get sectioned when they aren't mad. Even though I'm all, but then why are my business cards on my desk? Why was I researching the company? Why did I email you guys about them attending an event at the Gay Texan? I so hope I hear from them. But in a way, I don't. Because I am so mad that if I see him I am not even joking when I say I will go up to him and knee him in the nuts. At least.

Sadie: Oh God, I'm laughing like a crazy woman!!!!

Me: Definitely my aunt then as apparently I'm mental

Jess: HA HA HA

Me: "Yup, first impression would be ' a liar who wasted your time.' I usually try for the exact opposite."
A LIAR WHO WASTED MY TIME AND WHO HAS MADE ME LOOK MENTAL AND WHOSE ARSE IS GOING TO GET A SEVERE KICKING IF I SEE HIM NO JOKE I AM NOT LYING. FOR REALS I WILL MASH HIM.

Sadie: Dude, laughing more!

Me: Ok. Im laughing too. But only a little bit because that wound is still OPEN

Jess: Open and weeping.

Sadie: Make it work for you. Scare the crap out of them and pretend to be really REALLY insane. Well, having said that you probably scare the crap out of them anyway.

bad book review

2009-01-11T07:56:00.000Z

Me: I just finished reading a book that was basically about this girls countdown to save her father. He was stuck in a container on a port and she had to travel across continents for keys and whatnot. It was great. She managed to get to him in the end with 7 minutes remaining. THEN he fell off the port into the water and died. Me - *..........*
Jessica. I need you to write and complain.

Jess: OH MY GOD!! that's just sooooooooo not right!!!! I'm onto the complaint now....
that ac/dc lot are very rude.... they just replied back....oh not fu**ing YOU again!!!! I shall now write to complain about THAT!!!!

Me: Man. They are So cheeky. I would send 2 complaints AT LEAST to that. And ask to speak to their manager.
That book! Oh. My. God. It was 341 pages long and he died on page 336.
The hottie has been moved to another site. He came and told me this morning. For some reason I never asked if he wanted to get a beer at lunchtime. Now I'm depressed. What the HELL is the point being here now? Work? God.

Jess: Oh dude........hottie moving...man that's not right.....bummer..... only hotties in my life is ones in my mind....dayum.

Me: Rubbish. Totally rubbish. I'm going to end up having to talk to the crazy cleaner at this rate.

Jess: Dude.....resist....

Me: Doubt it will be too hard. He just did some weird sideways star jump thing past my office window waving at me. Weird sideways star jump on weirdo.

Jess: I'm laughing here at 'weird sideways star jump' image funyyyyyyyyy

Me: It makes me jump when he does things like that. At least I can see him. When I cant, he is normally hiding in the womens toilet.

Jess: Smooooooooooth.

Sophie: Bummer about the book. so busy here that i dont have time to blink. tfi Friday!! And dont talk to crazies

Me: Oh well. Since I read it on the train and in work mainly I don't feel like there was anything more productive I could have done. I try not to talk to crazies. They seem to gravitate towards me. The only thing that stops them is if I walk with M.

Jess: ok...3rd time I got this email!

Me: You should write and complain

Jess: Good idea!!!! Hmmmmmmmmmm.....is injunction a bad word to keep throwing at me?

Me: Nah. Injunction and restraining order are how they show they have received your mail

Jess: Ok then!

Me: Text:
Ruth: Hey Ro. What you doing? I'm ill. At home watching tv. Dad is going on at me to do the dusting. HELLO?!
Me: When he comes home, arrange yourself so he finds you lying on the floor with dusters and Pledge strewn about. you can be all *weak voice* just give me a minute . . I'll try again. If you could also arrange a pile of puke that would add authenticity.
Ruth: He just hoovered round me!!!!!!

Jess: SNIGGER!!!!!!!!!

Me: Funny. Wish I were at home. Although not unwell.

Sophie: I think most shocking about this is ARWEL HOOVERING

Me: Yeah but he hoovered round her so not a very good job

Jess:THIS IS TRUE....and so obviously Arwell.

return

2009-01-10T07:08:00.001Z

Sadie: I watched Lucy's dvd 'Return' last night, girlies you will love it. Some serious arse kicking - make that arse evisceration actually. It really put me in a good mood, one of those real feelgood films.

Me: 'Return' or 'Taken?'

Sadie: Ah yes, 'Taken' that's the one, a senior moment.

Me: Funny though - 'taken' and 'return.' Could have changed the whole plot of the film. YOU HAVE TAKEN MY DAUGHTER!! WAITTTT. Oh. You have RETURNED her. Well. Thanks very much.

Sadie: Laughing here so much!!!!!!! Oh god, I've got tears running down my face!!!!

I'm an ass-assaulter

2009-01-09T07:57:00.000Z

Email to Sadie:
All
I'd just like to say thanks for another job well done today. As ever you set the standard. I will be paying a visit to the boss tomorrow to "enquire" as to what he plans to do about the skills gap in his team. Thanks

Sadie: At 11 am yesterday I get a call from Tony saying because the support team are in a workshop all morning can I deal with an urgent helpdesk call. I was slightly f*cked off by this as I AM NOT SUPPORT but nevertheless we are one team one dream etc etc etc… so I had a look. After a little while I realised we had a serious problem which affects about two hundred people and about a dozen different systems. So I had to drag the Support team out of their workshop to help me deal with the crisis.
A bit later I said to them, so, what was your workshop about? Oh they said, its about what to do when we have a crisis. Well, I said, I think the first thing that would help is if you weren't all in the same bl**dy workshop and could deal with the calls as soon as they came in. Anyway, Tony's comment is quite right. I do indeed 'set the standard.' WHOOO HOOO!!!

Me: MIGHTY SADIE!!!!!! Well Done!!!! That's brilliant! x x x

Jess: Sadie the sorter!!! Or assorter!!!

Sophie: Or assaulter?

Jess: OR INDEED ASSAULTER!!!

Sadie: Yes, OK, OK.

Jess: What's asaltpetre?

Me: Assault of a petri dish. Its very common in labs everywhere.

Sadie: Isn't saltpetre what they gave soldiers in the war to control their, er, libido?

Jess: Oooh er I think I may have to Google!

Sadie: "And despite its reputation for lowering libido, there is no evidence that it would help you. Potential side effects include stomach upset, headache, anemia, and kidney damage. " .. Well, if I had all those symptoms, I wouldn't exactly be up for it!

Me: What a brilliant idea. Debilitate the soldiers. I bet it is a German invention. Blimmin germans.

Sadie: Sneaky blimmin germans

Me: Man am I mad at them. I'm gonna write and complain

Jess: I'm onto it now... Dear Mr Ac/dc fan club............

Sophie: Jeeez... couldn't they just have knocked one out in a trench?

Sadie: GOOODNESS GRACIOUS ME!

Jess: SOPHHIEEEE!!!

Sadie: That's pretty much what my reaction was. Shocking.

Sophie: Er, whatever. How is that worse than kidney failure.

Me: Fair point.

homework

2009-01-08T14:53:00.003Z

Something else I did this Christmas was help my little sister with her college homework. I wrote about art movements through Kindergarten Cop, I wrote about Classical Architecture through Drillbit Taylor and I wrote about the Industrial Revolution through Iron Man. I am not sure WHAT the Industrial Revolution had to do with an art history course. Matts suggestion was to write 'This has nothing to do with art history and so I am not answering it' underneath the question but I didn't. I don't rage against the machine, rebel against the man etc. Although I DO get a bit crotchety in Tesco. Oh you better BELIEVE I will lay the smack down on your arse if you start trying to knock me out the way when I'm packing or putting my wallet away.

Merry Christmas, Happy New Year, Muzletov!

2009-01-08T07:24:00.000Z

Cor. The 23rd December seems AGES ago. I had SUCH a good Christmas holiday - spanning from December 24th-January 5th - and it has been really hard coming back to work and getting into the swing of things again. Not to mention the fact that it is zero degrees and a hazard to be out of bed.

So. Christmas Eve was brilliant. Me and Sophie and Matt went to Cafe Rouge for dinner. Sophie was sad because she didn't get mussels but me and Matt had delicious steaks each. Matt ate his in about 3 minutes. Then Sophie said something REALLY rude, which I can't remember, and then Matt said something EVEN RUDER. I can't remember what he said either but it was shocking. I was all, it is the eve of the Baby Jesus. Jeeeeeeez. When we got home me and Sophie convinced Mat that we all needed to open our 'Secret Santa' presents. I put that in quote marks because they weren't secret or really from Santa. I got a beautiful scarf and some funky shoes and a necklace and earring bumblebee set. I like bumblebees. They seem all big and fluffy. But they sting me ALL THE TIME. And mum is all, quit stroking the bumblebees! And I'm all owwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww. Anyway. We went to bed pretty late. Going to bed late has been a definitive characteristic of this holiday. We were going to bed around 3am and getting up at midday. Coming back to work and alarms going off at 6.30 has been a right shock to the system. Very distressing.
On Christmas morning I was hoping to have a lovely lie in. This plan was immediately scuppered by scarily enthusiastic adults texting me at 7.30, 8.13 and 8.38. DUDES. And then Matt "couldn't sleep" and apparently had been awake since 5am so we were up pretty flippin early I can tell you.

Sophie and Matt opened their presents and then we headed to our respective families houses. Christmas at our house is always great. We'd watched the Christmas special of Gavin and Stacey when we got back from Cafe Rouge and there is a scene in it where the dad is worried about his Norfolk gold headed red breasted diamond egged turkey. Or whatever. WE GET THIS TURKEY TOO!! The dad is basting/soaking his turkey in a bucket. Those birds are flippin ginormous sometimes and last year our bucket was barely big enough. This year ours was soaking in some kind of laundry basket thing. Brilliant. Anyway, we could totally relate to the dad muttering about his Jamie Oliver recipe and Nigella and whatever. Funny.

Then our uncle Paul turned up with the usual crate of champagne! Much appreciated. I got a beautiful pair of gold hoop earrings that I have wanted for ages and some makeup. Brilliant! I think my brother Jamie sorted mine and he did a very good job. Later on, we watched Mama Mia. Mama Mia is proper cheese and my brothers made some very funny comments through out. Like, oooo girls gossiping and reading diaries! I can NEVER get enough of that... etc. Whatevs. It was a good Christmas day movie.

Me and Sophie sat navved Matts address around 12-1am and headed off to pick him up. The sat nav doesn't like Matt's address and corrects it to where it thinks we should be going. It's always the right place but . . . whatever to not recognising number 5 or whatever.

Boxing day was a total chill fest round ours but we decided to head to Brent Cross on the 27th to pick up some New Years Eve outfits. Lulu stayed round as I wanted to leave early, around 9, because otherwise I assumed it would be MAYHEM. I was not wrong.

I can't remember what we did on the 29th. Presumably chilled out. Ate. Napped. I napped SO MUCH this holiday that it was less napping and more full on heavy sleeping. But in the evening me and Sophie went to ma and pa's for my birthday dinner. Matt was unwell so we left him at home so's as not to ruin the party atmosphere. Mum cooked a delicious dinner of pasta and garlic bread and even a salad which, after all the crap I had eaten, tasted bloody delicious. Then we had a chocolate cake that I think Matt would have been real sad to miss. For my birthday I got a MASSIVE jewellery box from my sister and Matt. It is absolutely brilliant and I love it. I love that I can see all my jewellery and I love all the compartments so it's like a treasure trove of things. Me and Sophie bought some silver dip and tidied our boxes (we both have the same one. I have coveted hers for ages). Shamefully it was still a tight squeeze getting it all in. I also got some purfume, my mum made me an amazing necklace and earring set, lulu bought me a little Aladdins lamp charm, Jamie bought me a book on manners (rude! although I heart etiquette books) and Toby bought me a bunch of flowers. It was a great evening.

The 30th, my actual birthday, Ruth came over and cooked me lunch and bought some Bucks Fizz. She also bought me a really really cool necklace made from an old farthing. I love it. It was a wicked day.

News Years Eve we spend at my families house. I love the eclectic gathering of friends and family and me, Sophie, mum and Lulu had all managed to buy beautiful dresses. Me and Sophie were given the task of crudites and rice crispy cakes. After making the 112 cake I would have been happy not to have seen them again. But they were bloody delicious. Sophie's friend Natalie was very very funny. Her boyfriend bought her a cook book for Christmas and she had turned down the corners of the pages of the recipes that she liked the sound of and handed it back to him to cook them!!! What a GREAT idea! Also, apparently they made a Venison Surprise Pie. The surprise part was no venison. HAHA.

On New Years day we were woken up by our family, up bright and early at the crack of dawn and asking if we wanted to go for a walk. Me and Sophie managed to heave ourselves out of bed but it was an effort and pretty much the only exercise we did all Christmas.

I had a Cracking holiday and a much needed break from working and getting up early and whatnot. This is my first week back and it is SO HARD. The lack of sleep is causing a twitch above my right eye and it is bloody cold. Oh well. Nearly the weekend.

cats

2008-12-22T07:17:00.001Z

Jess: Anyone in?

Me: Sadly, yes

Jess: Me too..... And I've got work to do!!! Outfuckingrageous.

Me: Who asked Santa for a fat man on a sun lounger?
Jess: FD!!!! Dude! I love his paw hanging out!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: Huntin'...You're doing it wrong!

Jess: OH ffd! LOVE IT!!!!

Sadie: Laughing!

Me: Um. I have nothing to say about this one other than our cat sometimes does a really good impression of a shot elephant. See, he collapses in his basket after a hard day with his bitches. And then the warmth of being in front of the radiator gets too much so he staggers out of his bed and manages to make it about 2 foot and then his head hits the floor with such a thud and he sleeps there for a bit. I wish I was quick enough to film the absolute thud when he hits the ground. I'm like dad, every single time I ask Matt who shot his cat.
Jess: Oh SO laughing!!!!!!!! That is SO good!!!! He's like...well...DEAD.....

Me: I'm all, Clyde, you gotta stop hitting your head so hard mate. It's not like you can afford to lose the brain cells.
I played with him for AGES last night in the lounge. And then I was all, WHY AM I CHASING THE BALLS AND MICE AND YOU ARE JUST BATTING THEM WITH YOUR PAW FROM YOUR BASKET????!!!! Exercising the cat. FAIL

Jess: Laughing......... I left a tap running in the bathroom sink.......sink filled up........overflowed.......kitchen ceiling did MARVELLOUS impression of Niagara Falls...Izzy sat on edge of couch whole time this was happening(about 20 minutes of running water) and just looked at me, then back at the torrent of water...her look said.......washing the kitchen floor? FAILLLLL!

Me: OH MY GOD! Jess! That's badddd man!!! Clyde was waking me up this morning at 5 AS USUAL. He does this really sweet snuggle thing so you sleepily pat him on the head and then he BITES YOU SO HARD so you put all extremities under the covers so the only thing he can do is stick his HUGE face in yours and start nuzzling that so you think it is safe to pat him again and then he BITES YOU SO HARD and, all in all, it is a really terrible way to start your day.

Sadie: Laughing at emails. I have no cats to make me laugh. Just dead flying ants behind the fridge, dead slugs under the bath and probably dead mice under the floorboards.

Jess: Eeeeeeuuuuuuuuuuuuuwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww

Me: Sadie. Dude. Pets.... FAIL

Sadie: Really really laughing!

Jess: Funny!!!! And dear God...Izzy's breath could sterilize nations.

Me: DUDE!!! That's baddddd! I don't think I could cope with Clyde having bad breath as well as being a poo head! Although I stroked him the other night and a slug stuck to my hand and that made me retch all over the shop so . . I dunno. 6 of one and whatnot.

Jess: Laughing!!!! I give her all the dentibit shit but I swear she's licking SOMEONE'S ass! I couldn't sleep last night..still watching the clock at 3 fu**ing AM! I get up at half 5..but NONE of this was helped by the fact that MY cat could tell I wasn't asleep and kept me even MORE awake with constantly sitting inches away from my nose, purring and wanting attention..........needless to say I had a cappuccino on my way to work...then you realise that half of freakin London is on hols!!!!!

Me: 2 hours sleep and I would be mainlining espresso, no poncey cappucino!!
Izzy sounds sweet! And at least you can be all, hey, lets snuggle at a better time. With Clyde, you take what you can get.

Jess: Dude, Ally bringing me another coffee on her way in.......
She is sweet, she's started a new thing........I'm fast asleep, she mewls to wake me up. I resolutely ignore her and scrunch my eyelids up even tighter.so......she pats my nose with her paw.......I'm lost....I have to laugh and give it up and cuddle her.....
I love Clyde, he is a freakin comedien!

Me: No, see, that is cute. That is how Clyde would begin and the next thing you know your missing a nostril

Jess: Oh funny!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Really laughing at that!!!!

Me: He makes me look like a self harmer

Jess: Snarf!

Me: Lookin' like a lion..That's not bad actually

Jess: Oh God he's like a lovely cute furry fluffy black ball...............only YOU know the real truth.

Me: If he wasn't such a clumsy fu*k he'd make a good ninja

Jess: Oh dude!!! FUNNNNYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY

Sadie: I keep snorting. People giving me funny looks.

doughnuts anonymous

2008-12-19T07:28:00.000Z

S: Look what I have bought!!

Me: . . . doughnuts?

S: YES!

Me: You know that you have a serious doughnut problem don't you?

S: What? Why?

Me: People just don't EAT as many doughnuts as you

S: I don't eat that many!!

Me: Right. Whatever

S: I haven't had a doughnut for ages!

Me: Er.... like . . since MONDAY

S: But that's not many!

Me: If someone asked me how many doughnuts an average person eats in a year I'd say about . . . four.

S: NO WHATEVER

Me: I'd even say 10, maximum. You beat that in a month.

S: WHATEVERRRRRRRRRR

Me: Anyway. I'm off for the afternoon. You can have mine

S: BRILLIANT

shrimppppp

2008-12-18T07:17:00.002Z

Me: God. I might have to talk to the crazy cleaner whilst you're on Christmas holiday.

Hot Australian Electrician: What's wrong with talking to him anyway?

Me: He's crazy? Plus, there is a definite language barrier and he doesn't know what I am talking about

HAE: That's just because your English is terrible. No one can understand you

Me: That is rude. And blasphemous.

HAE: BlASPHEMOUS??

Me: Whatever. SHRIMP ON THE BAH-BIEEEE

HAE: We don't actually call them shrimp . . we call them ..

Me: PRAWNNNNNNNNNNNS. Ye, I know. S is always telling me that. But, WHATEVER. He comes over here and starts callin me Guv'nor and I start talking about shrimp on the barbie. That's how it works. He has got his English from Dickens and mine is from Dumb and Dumber.

HAE: That's what you and S do all day?

Me: Well. Not ALL day. But we can keep it up for a while. I've seen Home and Away. I'm pretty good at it. Sheilaaaaaa and whatnot.

HAE: HA. That one is fair enough. Although it isn't . . . mainstream Oz. Not what the classy people like me say.

Me: What do you say? I can add it to my repetoir

HAE: Bird. As in... look at the hot bird over there

Me: So . . . teaching me English words then?

HAE: Should I go give this one to S?

Me: Yes. You flamin G'LAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

taster

2008-12-17T07:40:00.000Z

Matt: I never thought I would say this, but, Beyonce on the X-Factor on Saturday night was excellent

Me: IF I WERRRRRRRRRRRE A BOYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY . . . That was just a taster

Sophie: Of what? HELL?

Matt: Oh. That was MEAN!

Me: Yeah. Thanks.

Matt: I mean, I thought the same but still. You didn't have to say it aloud.

how you know whether it was a good night

2008-12-16T07:32:00.001Z

“M8 police turned up at 3 and started pulling the power out, downstairs was mental. my trowers got set on fire and everything i cant remember shit. Anyway yeah let me have a think about tonite i got no money left."

Trousers on fire? Check
Police? Check

Yes.

brilliant

2008-12-15T07:15:00.001Z

This weekend included the perfect amount of friends, family and napping. On Friday, my pals Jenna and Ruth came over. Friends and wine are always going to be a good evening in my book. However, we are obviously getting on a bit because at 11 Ruth fell asleep (again). Luckily me and Jenna are made of sterner stuff.

On Saturday I met another pal, Corinne, in Enfield. Brilliant time wandering the shops picking up little presents and christmas cards. TALKING OF Christmas cards . . . we sent ours on Thursday. I wrote one for my parents and asked Sophie to sign it, before she went out drinking for the evening. Somehow she managed to start signing it from me. THEN, when she got home, I asked her to sign another card. This time she simply spelt her name wrong. At least that time I can blame the cocktails. In between her signing 2 different cards wrong, me and Matt ate a fuckload of chips.
After Enfield, I drove the car to the carshop to get them to fix my radio. The car has always had a dodgy gearbox but it was being spectacularly bad on the way there. Already I was nervous about parallel parking outside a garage. It did not help that the car sounded on the brink of the edge of stalling. No.

On Sunday we went over to our parents for dinner. It was delicious. As always. And the cake was Brilliant. My favourite moments were:
Mum telling us about Lulu's friend, Callum, staying over. Apparently Lulu went into Mums room at 11pm to tell her. Mum had fallen asleep and dad had carried on watching tv. When she went in, she turned the tv off and woke mum. Before apologising for waking her up OR getting to the point of why she was there, she pointed to dad slumped over mum with his wine glass in one hand and the tv remote in the other and said: WHAT is THAT? And thenshe told mum that Callum was going to stay over. In the morning, ma and pa were painting the hallway when they heard: For GOD SAKE come ON. And Lulu marched Callum down the stairs, passed them, and out the front door. Then she turned to mum and dad and said: I am SO tired, I'm going back to bed. Ok! Right then!! But apparently she also said: GOD MOTHER. I did NOT sleep with him. He is SO UGLY. Ma was all, I didn't even get the chance to tell her about the birds and the bees. Me: Mother, you have been yelling at her "no glove no love" since she was about 12. I think she's got it now.

I also laughed when Jamie/Dad did the most mingingest fart EVER and Lulu went off on a rant about how she had only showered THAT MORNING and she had WASHED HER HAIR. GODDDDDD.

le idiot

2008-12-12T07:50:00.003Z

There is a box in my room. It contains things like wrapping paper, tissue paper, spare birthday cards and different coloured pens. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards. I put the box on my bed and sat next to it. Clyde immediately uncurled himself from where he was lying and tried to get into it. The box? It is not so big. Clydes arse? Massive.

yes!

2008-12-11T07:55:00.000Z

Coming home from a night out and finding this stuck to the toilet mirror warms the cockles.
Coming home from a night out and finding a hot water bottle in your bed warms your cockles AND your feet.

The victorian era

2008-12-10T07:26:00.002Z

Sometimes some things in life are just too big to deal with. That just the thought of having to deal with them makes you think, God, I'm staying at work another 15 minutes just so I can avoid dealing with them. However, I just read this and it made me laugh so . .

On November 30th, there were definite toilet problems in our house. As in, it was taking ages for stuff to flush and for the water to go down. This was an unfortunate thing to find out at midnight on a Sunday. On Monday, we should have called our landlady and asked for a plumber. Instead, we let things get progressively worse until, on the following Saturday, a literal shit storm occurred. Luckily it was my uncles 50th birthday and so we had anothers facilities to use for the evening. Which, being classy peeps, we told him. Or, at least, I did. It was definitely, DEFINITELY, time to call the landlady and arrange a plumber.

You would think that that would be the end of the story and I am sure, for most people, they call a plumber and shit (literally, remember) would get sorted. But. NO. In fact, I would say, we went BACKWARDS. Somehow (THAMES WATER CONTRACTORS COCKSUCKERS) we ended up with a call out charge of £65 with NOTHING BEING DONE because we weren't at the house. We were at work. Where a large proportion of people are on a Monday afternoon.

All I wanted to do on Monday was come home, find the toilet sorted and watch the last episode of Spooks. But did this happen? NO. I mean, I managed to watch Spooks but only because Matthew cannily convinced us to get Sky wherein live TV can be paused. And pause Spooks I did. I paused it to answer numerous calls from our landlady which varied from: "I mean, what the fuck?" and "This never happened when *I* was living there" and "Could you go and knock on the neighbours doors and ask if they are also experiencing any problems." So that is how I found myself standing shivering my bollocks off knocking on neighbours doors and asking them about toilet troubles at 10pm. Spooks is confusing enough at the best of times. Pausing it every 5 minutes meant that I was forgetting plot lines from an hour beforehand and I was all, OH JESUS SAVE LONDON FROM THE CRAZY RUSSIANS ALREADY I NEED A BOUNTY AND BED.

The best part of Monday night was picking ticks off of the cat and that is an experience neither me, Sophie or Clyde would like to remember.

it's just tuna pasta man

2008-12-09T07:58:00.002Z

Lulu stayed over on Friday night. We drove to Morissons to buy Mama Mia and it had SOLD OUT. This was very Disappointing so, to make sure, I asked the cashier if they would have any copies anywhere else. Perhaps we had missed the huge Mama Mia DVD display or something. I asked her this question confidentially because, come on, the whole store does not need to know that you are sitting at home on a Friday night and watching Mama Mia. I mean, at least sit at home and watch something cool. But this is how me and Lulu roll. We love us some crap films (Charlies Angels COME ON). The checkout lady was not as quiet as me and Lulu and, in fact, shouted across the store at another assistant who shouted back to HER about it who then shouted over to the customer service desk. Lulu was all LORDY and quietly: "Yep, that's right, nothing to see here, we're just buying, you know, Die Hard or .. um . . something cool."

So. We ended up watching Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging. The Louise Rennison books of this are BRILLIANT and HILARIOUS and the film was . . . beyond the valley of cringe into the valley of hiding behind the sofa. Luckily, me and Lulu are easily amused so whatevs. She actually had come over so I could also help her with her homework. We managed to discuss homework for half hour whilst I cooked dinner. Then, for some reason, it amused Lulu that we ate tuna pasta and facebook stalked hotties. I am sure she kept saying something like: Just sitting here, eating ma fish pasta and lookin at sexeh photos. Yessir, nothing to see here, just looking at sexeh photos and eatinnnn our lurvelyyyy tunaaaa pasta." Tres amusing.

oh Christmas tree oh Christmas tree

2008-12-08T07:56:00.002Z

This weekend, we bought a Christmas tree. Matt was VERY particular about the decorations. He can be a right pain when it comes to colour schemes and decorations etc.

Lights

Tinsel

Baubles

Presents

Luckily the tree didn't hold Clyde's attention for too long. I assume this is because it was neither made of food nor worms

This makes me want to go home immediately and put my slippers on and have a glass of wine

How can I resist ya?

2008-12-06T07:44:00.000Z

Me: What time is your Christmas party on Friday and when do you think you will be home?

Sophie: I have no idea when we will be home, why? It starts in the afternoon

Me: Lulu is staying over. I said that you would be at your Christmas party so I'll do some homework with her and then watch a crappy film. Can't remember what time you were home last year but don't think it was so late.

Sophie: Oh yeah. Forgot. I text her and said it should be fine. Yeah, shouldn't be too late because people start drinking at 1/2pm and I make sure I leave before they start passing out in the loos and being rushed to casualty for shattering a shot glass into their hand.

Me: She'll stay over if you come back late or not :) We are planning to watch Mama Mia!

Sophie: Well now I know there is homework and Matt knows there is Mama Mia expect us back Saturday!

she proper is

2008-12-05T07:04:00.003Z

Lulu: What are you doing?

Me: Working. You?

Lulu: College. I am going to stay round on Friday night. Is this ok?

Me: Sounds good. Sophie and Matt are at their Christmas party. They never get home late but we can have dinner and watch ... MAMA MIA!!!

Lulu: :o You got it! Cool! Yeah, let's watch it. I forgot how funny it is! Colin Firths booty wiggle!!

Me: Will buy it today! OOOO Exciting!!! Maybe I'll come over and pick the car up on Friday and we can drive home together. I dunno. I haven't thought it through. Will get the red wine in though and think about what to have for dinner.

Lulu: O skeen that soundz megaz bruvz!

Me: Putting a 'Z' on the end of your words doesn't make you cool you know

Lulu: I thinkz itz doesz

Me: I think you are flippin mental

Lulu: Whateverz. It's nearly xobs

Me: Xobs isn't even a word. Idiot.

Lulu: Christmas

Me: Yeah. I worked it out. You're still silly though.

Oh dear

2008-12-04T07:23:00.002Z

Dad: What is going on with that cat??
Me: It's very similar to what happens if we leave Matt home alone for too long

Oh dear Oh dear

Jess: OH OH OH EXCELLENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sophie: I wouldn't mind but he has those lice things on him and that was a clean bra.
Sade, I only noticed you said hello on messenger hours later - didn't even know I was on it! I didn't know you went on that!

Me: Nah. He's clean. I picked them off. Matt: Haven't you emasculated him enough?

Sophie: Rosie: Clyde has these white lumps...
Me: ...
Rosie: I think they are alive. Come and have a look at these may be alive white lumps
Me (pretending I can't hear)
Rosie and Matt: *debating/picking* possibly living lumps
Me: Positively not getting involved
Matt: (Bringing them into the living room because I didn't get up to look at them & presenting things with lots of fur attached) LOOK
Me: OH MY GOD! Did you just drop one on the floor? OH MY GOD!

Sadie: Oh god laughing out loud!!!!!!!

Jess: Oh god lice not much fun...........
Honestly, boys are just universally filthy fu**s, be they man or beast. Srsly I'm still bit shocked at ' I picked them off' Jeeeeez!

Sadie: Um, lice? Nice. Clyde/Claudia looked so sweet. Only my second time on it, its webcam set up next!

Jess: Yes after 565 years Sadie actually managed to get with the program and set up her IM.... you wait, she'll sort her webcam out soon............. *sarcastic raise of eyebrow*

Me: He only looked sweet because he was half asleep. Otherwise he would have taken my hand off.
Sophie has some kind of webcam thing on her computer. OMG it takes the UGLIEST pictures EVER. Totally the cameras fault and not the fact we were all gurning at it.

Sophie: The other day I found the video camera function that is inbuilt in my laptop. Makeupless and spotty it was just really depressing. Then I showed Ro and it is just so awful and ugly that it is quite engrossing.

Jess: FD!!! Yes, webcams are ONLY for the reeeely pretty.

Me: Nah, there are markets for everything :)

Jess: God *unfortunately imagining*

Sophie: I think it was the harsh lighting...

Me: Yeah. Candlelight is TERRIBLE. Fact

Sadie: Harsh lighting and bad angles. It happens to me ALL the time.

Jess: FD! Your *mother* text me..... we could make some spending money by selling ourselves on a street corner and giving the men a sandwich...and i don't mean egg mayonnaise.... I'm still * O *

Sophie: Does not surprise me.

Sadie: Oh. My. God.

Jess: DISGUSTING

Sophie: Corr I could eat an egg mayo sarnie now though

Jess: Me too!

Sophie: He'd have to be a big fella to cope with being sandwiched between you lot and i'm not necessarily talking in the trouser dept. Have I gone a step too far?

GAK

2008-12-03T07:13:00.002Z

Me: Do your cats ever get these weird tiny egg looking things attached to them? I was picking them off Clyde last night. It was DISGUSTING but possibly less disgusting than hundreds of spiders (or whatever) hatching all over my bed.

Cor: Were they all barbed or hairy and difficult to get off? Cos thats ususally seeds or grass seeds. so nothing too gross. unless they weren't hairy in which case i have no idea, probably dirty disgusting mankyness. eurgh. eggs. that makes my skin crawl.

Me:No, that's the problem. I pull enough barbed etc crap off him to know these didn't look plant based . . . they looked like smoothy smooth little eggs. And they made a popping sound when I picked them off ... *retch*

Cor:Dude. That popping comment is going to stay with me. I nearly just threw up my biscuit. If you only ever do one more thing for me in this life- never mention anything like that to me ever ever again

Me: The sentence "nearly just threw up my biscuit" has given me the proper giggles. Also, you think it will stay with YOU? I keep reliving it!!! The feel, the sound . . *GAK*
Seriously. Cats are disgusting.

Lisa: Your cats got ticks!

Me: Do you think that is what they were? When I held one up to the light, it was definitely looked like a tick. But it was white. I thought they were black? And also, I just picked it off with my nails. Is that right? God. Bloody cat.

Lisa:The ones I saw were white because I kept it to take to the vet, You can just pull them off with your nails but the vet advised me not to do that because you can leave their legs behind which can get infected! Althoug the vet may just have been trying to get money out of me!!!

Me:GROSS. I really did NOT want to pick it off with my nails because . . GROSS. But it seemed preferable to eggs hatching. Think I might buy some tweezers to use ... I wasn't sure whether to pull them off myself because I have heard they leave stuff behind but I also think the risk is pretty low. My friends mum is one of those people that knows all about stuff like that and lives in the country and I've seen her pull ticks off with her hands too. BLAH. I am swapping Clyde with baby Pearl.

Lisa:She's got ticks too!!!!!

Me: Eurgh. Then you can just have them both!!

love egg?

2008-12-02T11:53:00.003Z

There was a serious countdown going on last week until Friday. Friday was the day that me and Sophie were on leave and where us two and mum and Lulu were going to Brent Cross. I was receiving countdown texts from Lulu and it is fair to say we were pretty excited.

On Thursday I was all YAY ONE MORE DAY TO GO and prepared to take it easy. Unfortunately I was clearly too cocky as I was given something to do which had to be done by 5.30. I was very stressed. It turns out that people had forgotten I was on leave and thought I had 2 days. When I just had 1. I was getting majorly stressed just printing addresses onto labels. OMG. I may have mentioned this before but. Someone once asked me HOW I lived with my sister because they CERTAINLY could not. I mean, have we had any arguments at all yet? And the answer is no. There is definite bickering but, when it comes down to it, me and Soph both like an easy life in front of Eastenders with a hot chocolate and a bowl of pasta. Plus. I got home on Thursday evening after what was supposed to be a chilled out day before our long awaited day off in a TERRIBLE mood and Sophie and Matt handed me a glass of wine, a bowl of pasta and a tub of Ben & Jerrys. This living together lark seems to be going well.

Friday was Brilliant. We got to the bus stop to get the bus to mums and the bus was just pulling away. So excited was I to get shopping that I chased it. Sophie was all OMG IT ISN'T EVEN NEAR THE STOP!! And I did miss it but whatevs.
First stop was food, then shopping, then cake, then shopping, then coffee. We are Experienced.
I bought a new black bra and a new black top. Perfect. One of my favourite moments was:
In the queue in John Lewis
Mum: *Pointing* That jumper is lovely
Me: *Going over and picking it up* It's Cashmere. Feels a bit itchy actually. Itchy as a bitch on a Saturday night.
Mum: ROSIE!!!
Lulu: *Slaps my arse* Cor! My hand bounced right off that!!
Mum: LULU!!!
Sophie: *Hands mum some red ribbon* Can you get this for me please? It is for my pomanders
Mum: LOVE EGGS?
Me and Lulu: JESUS CHRIST MOTHER *walking away* GOSH. SO RUDE.

Writing that now . . . I can't remember why she said love eggs. It was something to do with ball shaped or something. I don't know. Her mind is a dangerous place.

And then we had fish and chips for dinner which was the perfect end to a perfect day.

Me and Sophie are pretty sorted for Christmas. All our presents are wrapped and I am looking forward to getting a tree on Sunday to put them under. Clyde is going to have an absolute FIELD DAY when that goes up.

On Saturday I got my hair cut. Instead of it being longish and blondish I went for shortish and darkish. Y'know, for Winter. The hairdresser was very reluctant to cut so much hair of but whatever man. It grows back. Then I went and stayed at my friend Sophie's boyfriends house. I hate stuff like that. Staying at people I don't knows houses and whatnot. But he was lovely and I had a double bed and my own bathroom. Which was FANTASTIC. Me and Sophie got dressed up. Her in the shortest dress I have ever seen. She balanced it out with black tights and the biggest pants I have ever seen. She was all, I have to wear them because it balances out the dress. I was all, well Gosh. Don't bend too much because people will see them. Then we went out and drank a boatload of cocktails. Good times.

When I got home on Sunday, Ruth took me shopping in Enfield. She was looking for something to wear to her Christmas party but it was all pretty bla. When I got home, Matt cooked a delicious roast dinner. It was Superb. Even when he improvised by making his Yorkshire puddings in a loaf tin. Matt has been promising to cook me and Sophie a roast dinner for at least 6 months now but I have to say. It was worth the wait. Good job!

All in all, it was an excellent weekend!

what I have to put up with

2008-11-26T07:41:00.003Z

Sophie: Matt- are you going to do some homework tonight?

Matt: I have brought one booklet to work with me, so I'll flick through it at lunchtime, then I have to read a chapter in my book at home. Already started the actual work but it's going slowly. Think Friday and Saturday might be the days for some Severe typing.

Sophie: I thought Saturday you were doing some severe D I Y at your Marge's?

Matt: Friday...it's only if Dominic does what he says he will... for which I'm doubtful!

Me: How comes you can be a complete Nazi with me but not make your brother pull his socks up with a firm hand? It's a mystery.

Matt: When am I ever a complete Nazi with you?

Me: "BLA BLA BLA STOP SINGINGGGGGGGGGGGGG"

Matt: Ha ha ha... that's not being a Nazi that's just trying to protect Clyde and Sophie's hearing. Plus I think I only said your singing was not up to standard with the Cheeky Girls. And, one final point, ...you never stop singing!!!

Me: Yes. That is because I am not bowing to such oppression. Freedom of speech and whatnot.

Sophie: Ohhhh! FUNNNYYYYY!

importance

2008-11-25T11:04:00.006Z

Me: Sophieeee. I have really bad period pains. What should I do?

OtherSophie: Heatpad and sex

Me: Right. Not very helpful Soph. I'm at work.

OtherSophie: A Guinness!

Me: Seriously. Are you trying to get me fired?

OtherSophie: Ha. Ok. Just suggest some chocolate then! Last night I went to Chris's for dinner. Didn't get home until 1.30.

Me: Gosh. More exciting than my evening for sure. We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned our little house until it sparkled because the landlady is coming over this morning to look at the damp and MOULD on the walls. Yes. Mould. DISGUSTINGGGGGG. MOULD!! THERE IS MOULD ON THE WALLS!! ARGH! IT IS GOING TO GET INTO MY LUNGS AND I WILL DIE A MOULDY DEATH!! Plus, it makes my clean washing and clothes smell. And no one wants that.

*Later*

Sophie: "Condensation differs from rising and penetrating damp in that it is caused by excessive moisture that cannot escape from a building rather than damp coming in. The first sign that condensation is a problem is when black pinpricks of mould appear on walls, ceilings and even furnishings. There is usually a musty smell present and clothes and shoes in cupboards can become covered in a white or green furry mould. Factors, which contribute to condensation, include not opening windows, drying washing inside or using unvented tumble dryers and inadequate heating, but the biggest cause of condensation is the use of portable calor gas heaters. If the cause of the condensation is not rectified the pin pricks of mould will grow and can eventually cover whole walls and ceilings and ruin clothes and decorations."

Me: 'Drying washing inside.' Basically, we need to do that open window locking thing. Not sure about the kitchen though. She needs to sort that wall out.

Sophie: I think it's a shady area. I.e. we are living normally but that is causing it. It's not our fault that we are living in a usual manner; washing, cooking, breathing moisture into the air. Apparently we are the worst case because we work all day allowing the house to cool and then the mould to spread.
My jumper today STINKS of mould but I can't take it off. I think we have to try and dry our washing outside at the weekends (apart from it is usually pissing down).

Me: So, landlord is liable, but it's a tenant fault. Eg, it is definitely because of you drying washing in your room and there being not enough ventilation, causing excessive condensation.

Sophie: Ok, have taken my jumper off but my dress smells too and I can't take that off!!! GROSS.

Me: Monica just called. She says that she has just finished looking at the mould and it is definitely condensation. 3 of us breathing + wet washing + washing etc etc. We just need to wash the mould off and then lock the windows so they are slightly open when we leave for work to get some ventilation going. Or I guess leaving the bathroom light on WHEN I AM NOT THERE will keep the fan running and help, too.
The damp in the kitchen is not condensation. She thinks it is seeping through from the stairs up to Janet's and is going to get a company in to have a look at it. So, even though she just confirmed what we thought about the mould (it's there because of the wet washing and no open windows) she is glad we pointed out the kitchen problem. She was really nice, said sorry about it all and hopes we can deal with it.

Sophie: Plus, on the website, it suggested a dehumidifier, which we have. Did you tell her that? I'm up for the window thing. I don't know if others can smell me or if it's just making me want to vom and no one else can smell it. Paranoia. Basically we have to open the bathroom window whenever we wash and close the door so that it only escapes out the window, leave the light on, leave the windows open-locked and leave our washing til the weekend when we can hang it outside. I need to wash my wardrobe because mould has seeped in.

Me:Um. I think only you can smell it. Because I HATE that smell and whenever I've asked you if you can smell it on me, you say no. And I've asked M and other people in the pub before because I've been paranoid about it and they have all said no, too. We just need to have a demould spring clean and leave the windows 'open.'

Matt: Are we having spaghetti for dinner tonight?

Sophie: Wow.

Matt: Wow what?

Sophie: Wow we just had 10 emails about mould and you replied about spaghetti.
Do you think Monica liked the house how we have it?

Me: How could she not? The colour scheme is a work of art.

Sophie: She didn't comment? Not even on the state of our curtains?

Me: No. I guess she was more focussed on the mould than the fact you shrunk her curtains in the wash, mine are ripped to shreds by the cat, both of us bent our poles hanging up washing ... I mean, the mould is pretty spectacular

things

2008-11-24T10:18:00.012Z

I met my ex work colleagues for a drink on Friday night. It was a really good evening. The pub we go to has 3 floors. We normally sit at the floor with the bar. On Friday the pub was absolutely RAMMED. I guess people have started meeting up for Christmas drinks and getting in the festive spirit. We were relegated to the downstairs layer which is where the pool tables are. It is pretty small down there and there were some amusing comments about balls and sticks. And that is because the predictable jokes are the funniest.
When I got to the station to go home, I accidentally stood near a total nutter. He was sitting on the bench and randomly swearing. Not tourettes I don't think but just random swearing. He sidled up and leaned on the wall next to me.
Hi. Shit fuck
Me: Hm. Hi.
Him: I like your shoes. Shit
Me: Thanks...
Him: And I like your dress. FUCK.
Me: Thanks.
Him: This isn't working at all, is it?
Me: Sorry?
Him: I'm not impressing you at all am I? Shit. Fuck.
Me: Um. No.
Then the train came and he got on it. I decided to wait until the next one.

On Saturday Sophie cooked some pasta and garlic bread for lunch. It was yum. The plumber came over. I hid from him. He did a fantastic job but I thought he was really odd. And I couldn't understand a WORD he said. When he called I panicked and gave the phone to Matt. Matt seemed to understand him. He was replying anyhow. When he hung up though he said he had no idea what the plumber had said but he thought he might be coming round to fix the sink.
After he had been, me and Sophie decided to leave Matt to his homework and wander to the shops. Luckily for us there was nothing we wanted to buy so we picked up some potatoes and came home. Garlic kievs for dinner and a glass of wine We were proper garlicking it up round ours. Then we had our usual Saturday night of Strictly and X-Factor and then Sophie and Matt went to bed to watch FBI Files because they are a pair of sadsacks. Them looking almost attractive

On Sunday we decided to support our farmers and so headed to the local farmers market. Sophie: But, it's all so . . dirty. . .
As you can imagine, this came as a real shock to me and Matthew. We bought some chops and sausages anyway and a whole heap of fruit and veg We also sampled a sausage, and Sophie and Matt blended in with the surrounding bumpkins Then we went to Morissons to stock up on some essentials and a festive Poinsettia When we got home, the early morning jaunt meant it was definitely time for a nap
In the evening, we went over to Mum and Dads for dinner. Mum has been cooking up a storm lately and last nights goat cheese and vegetable lasagna was delicious. And the Guinness cake was fantastic. Man. I could eat that now. Had a lovely evening in front of the fire reminiscing about what a maniac Lulu was when she was younger. Good times. Then mum gave us a nice basket to take home as a bed for Clyde because all we have given him is a cardboard box to sleep in. We're mean like that. I think he liked it.

sights

2008-11-22T07:22:00.000Z

I like the clip clop clip clop of the police horses going past my office window. Soothing.

surrounded by idiots

2008-11-21T07:34:00.000Z

A whole heap of stuff

2008-11-20T07:15:00.007Z

I don't like not being . . . ready. If I'm going somewhere or doing something, I like to be prepared. This is why I am not normally too far from items such as eyeliners, deodorant, spare shoes, a hairbrush, a toothbrush (and paste) and a selection of reading material.

Evidence:

This is my work drawer: As you can see, it contains:
Makeup -
Number 7 Tinted Moisturiser
L'Oreal Foundation
Urban Decay Eyeshadow Palette - this is really handy as, if you forget your makeup kit or put your makeup on at work, like me, it has all the shades that match the outfits I wear. Plus a black shadow which is all I need sometimes
Number 7 Eyeliner
Rimmel Black Eyeshadow
Number 7 face Powder
Maybelline SuperStay pink lipstick
Solait Bronzer
Cocoa Butter lip moisturiser
And YES I also carry a double of all this in my bag but should I forget something? Sorted!
I also have a toothbrush, toothpaste and floss. I take mouthcare seriously yo.
Dove Deodorant and Givenchy Gentlemen perfume
Hairbrush, hairbands, hairspray
Pink, red and purple nail varnish. A nail file. Nail varnish remover pads.
Sainsburys Floracology body cream. Soap & Glory Glow lotion. Neutrogena hand cream. Estee Lauder face cream.
Vitamin C and Cranberry tablets (healthy immune system, healthy kidneys).
Tissues, plasters, panadol.
Sunglasses.

This is my second drawer at work: This is where I keep my shoes. 2 pairs of black heels and a flat pair of pumps. I think I have my bases covered. Plus a swim kit and a stack of books. There is sometimes a magazine poking around too.

I like to carry some essentials with me though, too. This is my bag. It is the bag I basically use every day and at the end of the week I try and clean it out as otherwise I can be carting around quite a lot of accumulated junk: It generally always contains:
A hairbrush
My Oyster Card
Door Keys
An umbrella
My diary and pen
A reusable bag of some kind
My work doorpass
My wallet
Some hairbands
Tissues of some kind. These are fancy ones because Matt bought them for me.
Makeup
iPod
Book

And, my God. The makeup I cart round with me is pretty impressive: As you can see, it's Wednesday and the eyeshadows are gradually accumulating. There are 6 pots of Barry M, and the permanently included black Estee Lauder. Also:
Rimmel liquid eyeliner
Estee Lauder Kohl Eyeliner
Number 7 mascara
Ruby and Milly tweezers
Estee Lauder foundation primer
Estee Lauder eyeshadow primer
Estee Lauder concealer
2 Maybelline superstay lipsticks
Cotton buds
Eyeshadow applicators

This is all duplicated in what I have at home, too. It makes me feel a lot calmer knowing I am not so far from a black eyeliner and a book.

car update

2008-11-19T07:45:00.001Z

Dad: Just seen your engine. In bits.
Me: Oh Christ. I hope that isn't what he wanted the chainsaw for.